Deal With It
by Dana Poole Rules
Summary: This story is the sequel to Too Soon. It's going to seem awkward at first but I promise, at the end you'll see why. You might recognize the first chapter since I decided to combine the sequel with another story I started, Shadows To Admire. Hope you li
1. Default Chapter

This story is the sequel to Too Soon. It's going to seem awkward at first but I promise, at the end you'll see why. You might recognize the first chapter since I decided to combine the sequel with another story I started, Shadows To Admire. Hope you like it.

Deal With It – (1/?)

"Alright, you've got to calm down," Faith warned, trying to settle her mother down. Her mother stalked up to her and smacked her across the face with the hardness of the back of her hand. Faith grabbed her face and ran her tongue along the inside of her mouth where she had just been struck. "Knock it the fuck off now, alright?" she said, getting angrier by the second, but still holding onto an inner control that an onlooker couldn't really understand. 

"You watch your mouth," Gina, her mother, warned. 

"Whatever," she answered, motioning to walk out of the kitchen. 

"Where the fuck are you going?"

"To go do heroine in the bathroom," she answered again, with the same sarcastic yet non-confrontational tone. 

"I'm your mother and you have no right to…" Gina quickly trailed off in her words seeing her daughter hadn't had any basis for her comment. But, as she also was aware of, she knew her daughter was a lot quicker than to just let her slip up slide by unnoticed. Without a word Faith took off towards the bathroom. She threw everything off of the sink and opened the cabinet behind the mirror before looking under the sink. Finding nothing she continued to rip apart the room. Gina finally came in, being sure to give her daughter space,

"Faith, stop it."

"Where is it? Where the fuck is it?" she screamed hysterically, still throwing things around the bathroom. 

"Baby, I don't know what you're talking about…" Gina said, attempting to soothe her. Faith caught her mother's quick glance towards the toilet and immediately threw the lid off of the water tank. She might've been hysterical before but when she saw it hidden there her face crumbled and she couldn't stop the tears from running down her face. She pushed past her mother and walked out of the bathroom, absolutely furious and inconsolable. 

"Baby, please stop it… it's not that bad… why are you being like this? You're so emotional…" her mother babbled as she followed her daughter into the small living room, which resembled a narrow hallway more closely than an actual room. There was a small couch with a thin blanket thrown on top of it and some clothes thrown on the other end of it. It was Faith's bedroom. Faith grabbed a pair of jeans off of the floor and picked them up, taking the few dollars she had in the back pocket out and putting them in the pocket of the jeans she was wearing now. 

"What the fuck are you doing?" her mother asked again, quickly realizing her daughters intent. She knew better than anyone that her daughter was no bullshit and that she needed to be taken seriously. "Firecracker…" With that, Faith grabbed her keys off of the floor and threw them quickly at her mother. They hit her stomach even though she attempted to catch them, then fell to the ground. Gina picked them up off of the floor.

"I'm done."

"What?"

"I'm done with you."

"Faith, I'm not one of your fucking boyfriends, I'm your mother."

"No, you know what, ma, shit… most people, you know, normal mother fuckers, they have kids to actually have a kid and you know, be fucking parents. It's just my fucking luck that my fucking mother pops out a kid so she can get a parent. I'm done fucking taking care of you. Obviously I'm not doing a good job anyways… so I'm out. I'm done. Best of fucking luck to you trying to figure out finances for your new found hobby… try not to kill yourself, alright?" she said, now walking towards the door. 

"Faith, you listen to me. I'm your mother!"

"Yeah, and now I'm off to try and find the silver lining to that fucking horrifying fact."

"You walk out that door, don't you dare try and come back," Gina threatened. Her daughter shrugged and walked out the door,

"No problem."

Faith jumped out of her daze with the sound of the car's screeching tires on the pavement. She looked over at the driver, Willow, to see what the hell was going on. Willow was already jumping out of the car. Faith looked in front of the car, only a couple yards beyond the halted vehicle, and saw what Willow had stopped for. There was a girl lying in the street with Willow now crouched over her. She slowly got out of the car and sauntered towards the girl,

"Yup, I guess I'm back in Sunnydale."

------------------

"So what the hell is up with there being another Slayer floating around?"

"Not just floating around, she was incarcerated!" another Potential stated in shock. She received several blank stares from her peers and several of them asked in unison,

"What?"

"In jail," she specified condescendingly. 

"Oh," they all agreed, once again in perfect unison. Kennedy noticed how all of their brains were melting into one and she stated in a horrified tone,

"We've all been spending way too much time together…"

"Well what do you expect, we live together, we train together, we eat together… hell, we do everything together…"

"It's kind of a miracle that no one's tried to kill one another yet," Kennedy laughed. 

"Yeah, usually spending that much time together makes people kind of hate each other."

"So what do you guys think about the new Slayer?"

"Faith…" Kennedy stated, letting the name hang in the air for everyone to let sink into their heads before they answered the question. A lot of the girls shrugged and gave indifferent, slightly exhausted, shrugs. But then again, there were quite a few opinionated girls in the bunch. 

"I think she seems really cool," one answered, only to be supported by several others nodding their head. 

"I don't know," Kennedy said hesitantly, "she's seems like a bitch… not to mention I overheard Dawn saying she was some kind of a psycho. And you guys all heard Andrew talking about all those things she did… she's a murderer!"

"So is Willow," the first Potential spat back. 

"That's uncalled for!"

"No it's not," she defended, "you need to learn how to keep an open mind to people."

"There's a difference between keeping an open mind and being naïve!"

"She's a Slayer! She's one of us, Kennedy. Just because you're feeling threatened doesn't make it okay for you to just act like you've already got her figured out. If you can actually spend some time trying to figure her out and see where she's coming from, then maybe your opinion would matter. The way you're going now, maybe you'll end up just making the same mistakes she did instead of learning from them."

The room fell silent for several long moments while her words sunk in. For the first time all of the girls forgot to think about dying in this big fight and actually thought beyond that. What if they were Slayer's and made a bad call or a slip or mistake? They knew Buffy made mistakes – they all had fun pointing them out… at first they had fun with it because she was so uptight and bossy, but really it was because it made it easier to laugh at her mistakes than to realize that they too could be making the same ones.

They all jumped as Faith walked into the room hesitantly. She hadn't been sent or asked to go but she thought she'd do something that never in a million years would she have done before – walk into a room full of girls who were probably talking about her after they'd had a brain full of B's opinion on her. Repentance sucked.

"Hey," she said hesitantly, "you girls are awfully quiet in here… did someone else decide to up and kill themselves because I've heard that happens on occasion in here," she joked slightly. 

"No… ummm…" Kennedy began, "we were just talking…"

"Yeah," Faith agreed, "I could tell from all of the… talking." She stopped, thinking that maybe she was coming off the wrong way since she was trying a little too hard. She took a breath and reminded herself that she didn't care what people thought of her… "Well, anyways, there's a bunch of stacks of bowls on the table and even though it didn't really resemble food to me, I'm pretty sure it's dinner." Faith stood there, actually pretty sure she was hearing crickets chirping in the background. "Just thought I'd give you the heads up," she sighed. There was still no response and finally with a breath she added as she walked away, "Damn, we've got a room full of fucking B's, don't we?"

"See what you did."

"Whatever," Kennedy answered back, just as angrily as she walked away. She started to exit the room but stopped, realizing that Faith was just at the top of the stairs. Xander was walking up the stairs and Faith stopped short as if someone had punched her hard in the face; Kennedy was expecting her to turn around and have blood streaming from her nose. She stood there quietly waiting to listen to what they would say to one another. 

"Xander," she said, almost too quickly in Kennedy's opinion, making it seem like she was shocked or scared to see him there. "Hey…" Kennedy watched her lean against the railing of the stairs, trying to give Xander as much room as possible to pass. Kennedy knew the guy was big, but he wasn't a fucking giant, Faith! 

"I was just coming up to get the girls," he answered, ignoring her attempt at a 'hello'. 

"Dinner, right?" she checked. He stopped after taking another step up the stairs,

"Yeah…"

"I just told them," she answered, pulling her arm up and motioning towards their room behind her. 

"Oh," he said, seeming to regret the fact that he no longer had an excuse to continue to walk away from her. 

"It smells good…"

Kennedy almost couldn't hold the giggle that was fighting to escape her lips. Only a few seconds earlier, Faith had been making fun of the way the food looked! 

Faith didn't get any further response from Xander so she continued – babbling like an idiot, she thought –

"It's nice, you know… that you do that."

"What?" he asked blankly, making talking for her as difficult as possible, Kennedy observed. Usually he was really easy to talk, all of the girls at least agreed on that. This story must've been juicier than she had heard about if Mr. Nice was being… well, a complete jerk! 

"I just remember you telling me a while back that you're parents weren't the type to do the cooking thing… mine either, obviously, and I just… well, I just-"

"You just, what?" he snapped.

"I just think it's really awesome that you give those girls the feeling that they're home… whatever that feels like. It probably makes this whole thing a lot easier for them…" 

Kennedy was pissed at how nice Faith actually sounded to her after she had just called her a bitch inside. But she couldn't get over how Xander was acting! 

"I didn't know you were coming so I don't know if there's enough food," he answered, his attempt to say something mean being really weak since there were literally stacks of food in the kitchen. Kennedy perked her ears, ready for Faith to snap out some funny line to break Xander in two or more pieces, like she was already accustomed to hearing her do. 

"No, that's fine… I'm not hungry."

"That's good," he answered coldly. 

Kennedy couldn't believe her ears. She knew she would cry if Xander were ever that mean to her and she was certainly one of the less sensitive in the group. She moved from her passive position in the doorway, unable to listen to Xander act this way anymore, and made herself seen in the hallway. 

"Dinner," Xander notified her. 

"Yeah, Faith said…" she agreed turning to give Faith a small smile but by the time she made the small rotation Faith was already all the way down the flight of stairs. Kennedy did a double take, unsure of whether it was Slayer ability that had gotten her down those stairs so quickly or if it was just the discomfort of the situation for her.

"I'll get the other girls," Xander stated, walking up the stairs in the opposite direction as Faith. 

Now Kennedy certainly hadn't done a one eighty on her opinion of Faith, in fact, she was still pretty sure she didn't like her, but if anything, her curiosity had certainly been sparked. It was a fairly interesting thought when they all realized how unhappy Buffy was with her sister Slayer being in for a long-term visit, but the effect Faith was having was definitely rippling out well past just Buffy. 

Faith walked into the bustling kitchen, now regretting that she left her coat with her cigarettes in it on the other side of the busy room. She was trying to stick to the perimeter as to avoid collision with anyone carrying large bowls of food towards the table. 

"Buffy, how do you get those blonde locks to stay so shiny?" Andrew asked, maneuvering his way through the bustle with his video camera.

"What?" she asked, a little surprised by the randomness, but then she reminded herself that it was Andrew, and it was far less surprising.

"They're just so healthy… they flow and bounce when you walk and they're shiny… you'd never suspect that they were covered with demon guts and vampire ash on a daily basis. Am I right?" he asked, opening the question to anyone in the room. As she walked with two huge salad bowls in her arms, Anya answered,

"I know I'm jealous. Look at my hair! If you offered it to a horse it would turn it down over straw!" Andrew zoomed in momentarily on Anya's hair and added,

"Yeah, you should really try and get that silkier. Buffy, tell Anya what to do with her hair to make it look more like yours."

Faith almost let out a large sigh of relief once she made it across the kitchen, relatively unnoticed, to her pack of cigarettes.

"You know they say that stress is supposed to detract from your overall appearance," Andrew notified everyone. He spun around the room with his camera and stopped short when he realized Faith was in the room. He walked up close to Faith and zoomed in on her and said to Buffy, "see, I can tell that Faith is stressed out just by looking at her complexion and hair and…"

"You've been reading all the girly magazines, haven't you?" Faith asked, trying to step away from the camera. She'd had her share of them being in her face when they walked her in cuffs to one of her hearings. 

"Faith, do you agree with me? Do you think Buffy is good looking and has held up her good looks even though she's under a lot of stress?" Andrew asked, putting on his best serious, reporter tone. 

"B's hot, yeah…" she agreed nonchalantly. Interrupting Andrew's unofficial interview, Giles held a dinner plate out to Faith. 

"You must be starved…"

"No, I'm good, G, thanks…"

Kennedy was standing by the table putting food on her plate when Xander walked in from upstairs. He was behind Faith, out of her view, when he came in. 

"Don't be silly," he stated, "there's more than enough food here to feed our army, you need to eat something. Willow told me that you two didn't stop on the way here for food or anything."

"I'm really okay," she answered, pulling her jacket up off of the chair. She just really needed a cigarette! She walked out of the kitchen, past Xander, and began unlatching the front door. 

"Where are you going?" Anya asked loudly. 

"Do I need a fucking hall pass or something?" she asked with her usual attitude, "I need a smoke."

"No wonder she dropped out of kindergarten," Anya answered sarcastically. 

Kennedy wasn't sure why, but the sound of the door closing firmly behind Faith hung in the air as though it was forcing her to hear it. 

-----------

Most of the girls were scattered around the living room with their dinner plates balanced in their laps as they ate hungrily. Kennedy sat close to Willow at one of the many fold-out tables in the kitchen. As usual the various discussions of everyone in the house melded together to create, the now reassuring and comforting, hum that filled the house every evening. 

"So some things never change, do they?" Buffy asked, speaking to Giles. 

"What do you mean?" he asked. Kennedy could see in his face that he was worrying about something. They had all learned to read that in his features. 

"Faith… where is she?"

"Wait, we're complaining about not knowing where she is?" Anya asked loudly. 

"No, I'm just saying, some things never change."

"I have to say that I see quite a change in her," Giles defended firmly. 

"Yeah, she wasn't holding a weapon when she came in the door," Xander muttered. 

"Hey!" Willow interjected. Kennedy was slightly surprised at the sudden change from her silence. "I don't think that's fair. You know, when I was in LA it's not like I had much more than a, 'hey, we really need your help and you'll probably die,' but you know what, she's here and she's not complaining at all! She's here because we need her here, not because she likes the company."

The room was silent. Kennedy almost wanted to put on an overly proud, slightly mocking smile that Willow was her girlfriend. 

-------------

Faith had walked down the block a short way so she was just out of earshot of the house. Sitting on the front porch was almost as bad as being inside because she still had to listen to all of the bullshit they were shitting out of their mouths anyway. She sat on the curb of the sidewalk and savored every noxious puff of smoke from her cigarette – God had she needed this smoke! 

She told time by the lights turning on and off in various parts of the house. Then she watched the light to Buffy's room go on. It was at just the right angle of the house that it set a shadow off of the tree she was sitting close to. It lighted the area around her just slightly and cast her into a dark shadow. She went through two cigarettes before Buffy turned off the light making Faith guess that she went to sleep. So the perfect one does sleep… she joked in her mind. 

Flicking away her cigarette she got up off of the curb and walked back towards the house. She wasn't sure why that prompted her to move; she hadn't thought that it was specifically Buffy that had been keeping her out. She came up with a little one person game with all of her time in prison – she played shrink. She'd focus on one of her actions and then analyze why she might've done it. It was lame but hey! Was it that she felt like because Buffy was asleep everyone else was asleep? She rationalized this because she was the leader and naturally she'd be the last to get some rest… Or could it be at the other spectrum of things that now that Buffy was sleeping she felt responsible for the house somehow? 

Faith noticed that this game was a lot more fun when it didn't involve such deep rooted issues. She walked up onto the porch and with a quick glance around her she walked in. She walked slowly towards the kitchen, unsure of whether B had the girls bunked on the floor somewhere. Opening the fridge she almost cried with joy at seeing a six pack of beer. She grabbed two and headed back outside for the porch. Within an hour she had finished the entire six pack; surprised that she got such a buzz off of so little but angry that her tolerance had dwindled enough for her to be as slammed as she wanted to be at the moment. 

She heard footsteps in the house and she hoped that no one would come out and bother her. She doubted anyone would want to anyhow… but to her surprise and slight displeasure she heard the knob turn and watched the door open. She practically fell off of the banner she was currently sitting on when she saw Xander walk through the door. He saw her, so he was coming out to see her on purpose she concluded, and he closed the door softly behind him. 

The way he looked right at her threw her a little. The boy she remembered used to glance up at her every so often then return to his fascinating shoelaces. She lit another cigarette and took a deep inhale. 

"That's bad for you," he commented. His tone surprised her; it was more of a stern statement than a caring reminder. 

"I can put it out if it bothers you."

"No," he answered.

"Xander, if it bothers you I'll stop."

"Well that's different," he commented to himself but loud enough for her to hear. She swallowed and he added, "I really don't care."

"Well that's different too."

"A lot of things have changed," he answered as he walked over to her and stood right next to the banner she was sitting on. He put his hand on her hip in almost an embracing fashion and both of them looked down at the contact. Faith felt her breath cease to exist for several moments and he felt empowered by it. Just the simple touch of his hand – not even skin to skin – there were layers of clothes in between, but it made her blood boil. It had been so long since anyone had touched her other than an inmate taking a swing at her or a guard roughly grabbing her arm and pushing her down a corridor. She remembered Xander but she also remembered what she had done to him. She knew what he'd been through and how she'd been a big part of the reason he was where he was at now. 

She couldn't deny that she actually wanted him. In a flash she saw the whole act run though her mind quickly. She could feel him grab her waist and pull her down in front of him. She could feel him kiss her roughly and feast on her neck. She could feel him inside of her, remembering the way he felt. She could look into his eyes and see the fire that was only dulled by the pleasure she had just given him. She felt it all in an instant flash… but, unlike what her foresight was earlier in her life, she also thought about what it would all feel like after that. 

He moved his lips quickly towards hers but even quicker than him she turned her face away from him, staring down at her own shoulder. He lifted his hand away from her hip and took a small step away from her.

"I didn't think I was really your type, Xander."

"What can I say? I'm desperate," he spat angrily. She nodded, accepting the insult. "Didn't think I was ever really your type either, Faith."

"Maybe if I had a type…" she offered, trying to be as kind as possible. She knew how angry a man was after rejection so she tried to minimize him feeling insulted. 

"I forgot… you're not really that picky." He watched her features carefully but she maintained an unaffected expression as she took another long drag on her cigarette. Now he felt rejected. He always remembered Faith as someone who was very hard to phase but for some reason he thought he would be able to trip her. "And yet you won't even let me fucking kiss you! You'd probably go fuck some nobody down at the local pub right now but you won't let someone who you've slept with before even fucking kiss you!" 

"You want me for all the wrong reasons right now."

"Oh because you ever wanted me for any of the right ones, huh?" he asked angrily. He stared at her for several long moments as the steam rose off of him in huge, furious, clouds. "I don't even fucking want you anyway… you're disgusting. Why would anybody want you? I used to think you were hot… but you know what, you're fucking ice cold."

---------

She knew she should be more mature than this but there was just something about having an ex spit in your face like that. Xander thought she had taken something away from him that night they slept together but he was finally figuring out – whether he realized it or not – that she had empowered him in a way that only sleeping with him could. She stared at the nameless face asleep on the dirty bed as she pulled her jeans on. It was apparent that she had done this way too often in her life since an amateur would've been quiet, not wanting to wake him, but she knew there was little that was going to wake a guy after he had a night with her. 

His dreams were taking him on endless wild fantasies with her that would now make her the lead in all of his dreams and all of his wants. His dream would make him believe they were meant for each other and that she had magically filled that one missing piece in his life, when all she had done was have a little one night quickie with him. The only good part of it for her was that she didn't have to worry about him waking up and trying to talk to her as she left. 

She pulled on her leather jacket and was about to leave when she remembered the taste in his mouth. She'd made a mental note earlier when she first kissed him; he was a smoker. She went back into his room and immediately found his pack of cigarettes in his coat pocket. 

"Thanks," she muttered sarcastically as she took the pack as her own. 

------------

"Has anyone seen Faith?" Kennedy asked as she poured herself a cup of coffee. 

"Did anyone give her a place to sleep last night?" Willow asked, realizing they hadn't shown Faith anywhere to sleep. "Anyone give her a sleeping bag or even a pillow?" 

"I'm sure she found someone's bed just fine," Xander answered. Buffy tried to cover up his angry comment and answered,

"I just didn't think of it… sleeping arrangements aren't really on the top of my priority list lately."

"Or maybe they are," Anya commented giving an obvious glance in Spike's direction. 

"Is anyone worried? We are in the middle of a huge battle here!" Kennedy noted. 

"Faith's been on her own for quite some time," Giles answered, "I'm sure she's fine." His response was one to soothe Kennedy but didn't lack a certain jab in Buffy's direction. 

It was about ten o'clock when Buffy began to gather everyone for a meeting in the living room. Everyone had just quieted down to focus but that was quickly broken when Faith walked into through the front door. She had a cigarette in hand with thick, dark sunglasses on and her leather jacket and dark jeans with black leather boots. It was a very typical Faith look but it tweaked Buffy more than a little. 

"Didn't mean to interrupt," she said apologetically. Kennedy noticed the strain in her voice that made it sound like she had either been yelling at the top of her lungs all night or crying. She also noticed the sharp displeasure on Buffy's face, not at her entrance but more at her effect on the crowd, especially after she spoke. 

"Can I talk to you?" she said demanding more than asking as she walked quickly in her direction. 

"I'm not much of a conversationalist in the morning…" A few snickers could be heard from the Potentials and Buffy snapped,

"Now!"

"Cool…" Faith answered calmly as though she were trying to soothe Buffy's anger. She hadn't said anything to make her seem cooler to the Potentials, she was just being her… but generally that was a person people really liked and wanted to be friends with. It was similar to the reaction she got her first time in Sunnydale with Xander and Willow and Buffy was just threatened by it. 

"What the hell is the matter with you?" Buffy asked furiously. 

"B, they can hear you…" she reminded. 

"I don't give a damn! Where the hell were you?"

"Aww, were you worried about me?"

"No, I'm worried about them!" she snapped. 

"Well if you want to look at it that way, B, if I drop dead then one of them gets the goodies and they're all the more safe, huh?"

"You're just fucking ridiculous!"

"B…"

"Do you have any idea what kind of a bad example you're setting?"

"They don't know where I was-"

"I fucking do!" she screamed, letting out the underlying reason for her anger. Deep down inside she really did love Faith like a sister and the things she did to verify herself just killed her, piece by piece. "I fucking know where you were!" 

Faith looked down at the floor knowing she wasn't proud of who she was or what she did but also knowing that there were parts of her that just weren't about to change. 

"Why do you do this?"

"B…" Faith soothed, hearing her tone switching from angry to upset. 

"I just don't fucking get it, Faith. Why? You're… you're too fucking good for that bullshit… I mean… have you looked at yourself? God damn it, Faith! You're just fucking stupid!" she yelled as the tears began to flow down her face. As soon as she realized she was crying she turned away from Faith. Faith reached her arm out and grabbed Buffy's hand but she snatched it away and walked past the living room and out of the front door, slamming it loudly behind her. 

The Potentials and all of the other occupants of the living room had been silent, listening to Buffy yelling at Faith a few rooms away. The hum of conversation began after the room was silenced again after the slamming door. They all realized that Faith had a huge effect of Buffy but only Kennedy and the other gang caught the tears on Buffy's face. 

----------

"Hey," Kennedy greeted cautiously, walking out onto the porch where Faith was standing with a cigarette. Faith was surprised that anyone wanted to talk to her, especially one of the Potentials. She had kind of become accustomed to the possibility that one of the gang would come out to share some nasty words with her but she hadn't thought one of the girls would come out to say, 'hey'. 

"Hi," she answered blankly. Kennedy looked at her for a minute, always trying to observe things. She was still wearing her sunglasses that somehow covered a lot of her face but managed to compliment it as well. She had a cigarette in hand but there had probably been at least a dozen since the first one she had seen her with that morning. Her leather jacket was slung over the banner that she was leaning on and her boots were untied. 

She took all of this in, in only a few short seconds but she was sure – knowing Faith was so much quicker than her – must've noticed. She quickly brought her eyes away but something caught her attention that made her turn back. A dark ring around her arm, not the arm with the tattoo even, caught her concern and attention. 

"You've got bruises on your arm," she stated. Faith glanced down at her arm, just as surprised as Kennedy was, and nodded seeing the small, dark bruises encircling her bicep. 

As Kennedy announced her discovery Buffy was walking down the front path and up the stairs towards the front door, right past the two of them. She stopped, partially because she was surprised that Faith would be talking to anyone, but mostly because she was concerned that maybe she was hurt. "What's that from?" she asked anxiously. She was still confused about what had happened that morning and why Buffy had reacted so strongly. 

"For someone so observant you're a little naïve kid…" she answered almost with a laugh. 

"Am I missing something?" she asked both to Buffy and Faith, "Did you fight a vamp or something?"

"Umm…" Faith stalled, looking over to Buffy. Buffy just stared at her angrily waiting to see how she was going to answer. Accepting the entire lack of help from Buffy she answered, "Nah, actually I think those are from when I was in LA fighting." Kennedy nodded,

"Oh."

"Can I talk to Faith a minute?" Buffy asked. She nodded and walked back into the house.

"Her name's Kennedy.

"I know her name's fucking Kennedy!"

"Listen to the mouth on you," Faith joked, "makes me proud."

"LA, huh? You know you doing shit like that makes it cool to them, right?"

"It could be from LA. How do you know it's not?" Buffy answered by walking up to her and putting her hands around both of her biceps over the bruises, matching up the obvious grip that caused the bruises. 

"Guy likes to hold you down when he fucks you, huh?" she asked angrily. "You might as well take out a fucking billboard ad, Faith." She quickly grabbed her leather jacket off of the railing and put it on. Buffy took another second to look her over, having both quicker and sharper eyes than Kennedy and she saw other scattered bruises. She pointed quickly to another on her neck and both of her wrists and commented,

"Make it hurt, huh?"

"Everyone's got their own taste," she said, feigning indifference but she still flipped up the collar of the jacket and tried to lengthen the sleeves. 

"Yeah, but that one isn't yours…"

"How the hell do you know?"

"Because you liked Xander," she answered confidently. 

"What?" Faith asked in almost a laugh. "Where the fuck do you get off on that?"

"You asked me about him," she answered, "that's more follow up than you've done on any guy."

"So what? I usually don't fuck guys I know… I knew him, you knew him, why not talk about him?"

"You liked him," she answered with more confidence than she would in stating the color of her eyes. "That's why you freaked when he went to you about Finch. You hated that he saw through your lie and you freaked out because he saw through it and still liked you!"

"B, that's all nice and good but that was years ago. A lot has changed since then."

"Apparently not," she answered giving a final glance at her wrists, then she walked into the house. Kennedy had stationed herself at the living room window just on the opposite side of the wall from where the two Slayers were outside. She was hidden from their view by the window shades, but she heard every word. 


	2. Altered Worlds

Deal With It (2/?) Chapter 2: Altered Worlds

Buffy charged down the stairs with an intense purpose in her step. Xander was sitting in the living room, lecturing a few of the Potentials around him on being careful around fragile furniture. 

"What's the what, Buffy?" he asked, seeing her quick pace. 

"Where's Faith?"

"Is this the beginning to another screaming match?" Kennedy asked.

"Kennedy, grab your jacket, you're coming too."

"Alright, cool," she answered, excited that Buffy was actually including her in something. 

"Good… where's Faith?"

"Oh goodie, you're taking her too. Really, feel free to throw her into danger. She's gained some weight, she'll make a good shield… or a target… she could be a target too," Xander rambled. 

"You're coming too," Buffy answered, trying to cover up the smile that had spread across her face. 

"What? Wait… that's instead of Faith, right?"

"What's your beef?" Kennedy snapped angrily. Buffy decided to ignore both of them now and begin to search for Faith, which obviously, no one knew where she was. Xander and Kennedy continued to jab at each other verbally as Buffy looked through the house. She finally realized she was going about her search all wrong when she found herself looking in the kitchen closet and cabinets. She slammed the closet door closed and groaned with frustration as she shook her head. 

"What the hell's up your ass?" Faith asked, walking into the kitchen with four empty beer bottles in her left hand and a lit cigarette in her right. 

"I was looking for you," she answered angrily.

"In there?" Faith asked, glancing up at the cabinet. 

"Just get your coat."

---------

Kennedy watched the three people she was walking with. She was a little worried, seeing that Buffy seemed like she just couldn't walk fast enough. None of them had been told where exactly there were in such a rush to get to because, well… Buffy had been in such a rush. She watched the scornful glares that Xander kept sending towards Faith. It was true, Kennedy really didn't know Faith well but she could tell that it was out of character for her to continue walking quietly with her head down whilst being glared at. But even if she was wrong about Faith, which was possible, she did know Xander and this was certainly not like him. 

"So where are we going?" Faith asked, finally breaking the silence.

"Faith, could you be quiet, possibly?" There was about a moment and a half of silence before Faith asked,

"Why?"

"Faith!"

"What? I'd just kind of like to know where the fuck we're going, that's all."

"You don't trust me?"

"Honestly, no, but that's not what I'm getting at-"

"Well I don't trust you either!"

"B, I know," she answered, trying to calm the hostility, knowing that once again she had just walked right into a pool of insecurity. "You shouldn't trust me-"

"Don't try a thing!" Xander threatened, pulling out his weapon and holding it in Faith's direction.

"That's not what I meant!" she defended to Buffy, completely ignoring Xander's 'threat'. Finally, she turned her attention to Xander who was still standing ready to attack if given any excuse, "you're a fucking dork," she stated blankly at him. He stared at her for a moment, unsure of how to respond. With a quick movement of her arm she disarmed him without any trouble. She let a piercing stare settle deeply into his mind before tossing the long blade down by his feet. 

He stared at her, a flash of intense emotion ripping through him, as he looked into her dark eyes. He wasn't sure if the feeling was that he wanted to grab her and stab her or kiss her. He also couldn't tell whether he was disgusted by her or terrified. 

"If I wanted to kill you, holding a sword isn't going to do you any good."

"No, I think it was a baseball bat that saved my life," he answered confidently, trying to appear as though he wasn't intimidated. There was definitely more to this story than she knew, Kennedy concluded. 

Still maintaining his confident façade he motioned to pick up the sword and Faith flinched quickly but didn't really move. Xander quickly jumped back away from the sword and from her. His eyes snapped back up from the sword to her as soon as she flinched and now they were still locked on her filled with rage that she had proven so easily what he was desperately trying to hide. 

"You're a bitch," he announced, now slowly reaching for his knife again, this time not breaking eye contact. She shrugged and answered,

"I like fucking with people."

"Faith, knock it off!" Buffy scolded harshly.

"I didn't do anything," she answered, already walking away from Xander. 

"It's that attitude that got you into this mess in the first place."

"B, why don't you try not talking now?"

"You have no idea how much I really don't like you, do you?"

"I think I'd take that to the level of hate," Xander added. 

"Well, B, I don't mean to burst your bubble, but I don't hate you. There's a shocker, huh?"

"Do you at least hate me?" Xander asked obnoxiously. As they rounded the next corner of the street a metal crowbar made contact with the back of Faith's head and sent her straight to the ground. 

A flock of vamps suddenly swarmed the area, numbering at least fifteen. Faith rolled onto her side and touched the back of her head with her hand and when she brought it back down in front of her it was covered in blood. Kennedy jumped to her side and did her best to keep the vamps away from her but she was struggling. 

"Faith, get up!" Buffy screamed angrily. She was concerned but she needed to get Faith up in a hurry. Kennedy was knocked to the ground by a couple of the vamps and the one with the crowbar came after Faith again chanting,

"This is a Slayer! Just what we came for!" He took a long swing with the bar towards her face but she grabbed it and used the energy to flip him to the ground and pull her up to her feet in one, swift movement. 

"Buffy gets to be the Slayer for all the cool shit and I get it for the killing part. This is my life," she complained as she knocked two vamps to the ground with the crowbar. There were so many vamps that she was having trouble seeing the other three people all the time. She was struggling to maintain her ground with these vamps and when she could catch a glance she saw that Buffy was having trouble too. But what was strange was that the vamps seemed completely uninterested in Kennedy and Xander. 

"This is the true Slayer," another vamp announced, speaking about Buffy. Faith felt herself roll her eyes as a complete reflex; she regretted it because it seemed like at that moment six vamps jumped on top of her. "Just hold her back," he announced, now speaking of Faith. 

A small crowd of vamps were keeping Kennedy and Xander busy and more than six were now on Faith, but not killing her like they had ample opportunity to, they were simply holding her away from Buffy. She fought for freedom and was only able to free herself enough to witness the most horrible moment of her life. She watched the head vamp run a knife across her throat. 

Faith opened her mouth to scream but nothing came out of her throat. She stopped fighting against the crowd of vamps that were fighting her and she dropped the crowbar. One of the vamps quickly picked it up and hit her across the side of her head. The blow was twice as hard as the first but this time she barely budged. She grabbed the weapon from the vamp and, swinging it like a baseball bat, decapitated him.

"It's done," the head vamp announced and the entire group of vamps quickly disappeared from the area. Kennedy took a deep breath as she regained her balance, then helped Xander to his feet. 

"Wow, that was less than a little fun," she quipped, turning towards where she assumed the other two to be standing. Xander turned in that direction around the same time and they both saw Faith on her knees next to Buffy with her upper body draped over Buffy's as she frantically touched her face. 

Kennedy and Xander ran over to the two of them, both convincing themselves that it couldn't possibly be that bad. As they got close Faith flipped her own hair back and they were able to see the stream of blood spurting from her neck. Faith's face was also covered in blood from her own injuries as well as the fact that her hands were coated as she moved her hair. 

Kennedy grabbed her mouth, for the first time becoming nauseous at the sight of blood. Xander walked over to Faith angrily, automatically placing the blame on her. Even if it wasn't her who did it she should've been able to stop it from happening. As he got closer he felt his emotions start to melt and seem to flood his body, as he watched Faith still holding the wound tightly with her hand, even though it was too late. He saw that she was shaking violently and her mouth was slightly ajar with her lips trembling. 

Xander picked up Buffy's wrist gently and even though he knew it was futile he felt for a pulse. Feeling nothing he placed his hand gently over her eyes,

"Thank you." He was thankful for Buffy in so many ways. After another moment of silence he said to Faith, "we need to get her back." Without another word Faith picked her up off of the ground and began walking back towards the house completely unaware of her own state. 

---------

Giles had received a call from Xander and had prepared the household for the unfortunate arrival they were going to have to cope with. Dawn had locked herself in her room, not wanting to see her sister now but rather remember her in the way she was. 

"There they are," Wood announced from his post by the window. He and Giles practically ran out of the door to help, but Faith's silent expression made them both just hold the doors open quietly. Giles felt his entire world disappearing in a vacuous tunnel and Wood couldn't help but relate the event to the loss of his own mother. Faith walked up the stairs like a robot, careful not to let anything hurt Buffy, and she walked into Buffy's room. She put her down carefully onto the bed and for the first time the three men in the room realized just how much blood was all over Faith. 

None of them dared to mention it to Faith because none of them were sure what her reaction was going to be when she snapped out of this blank daze. She stared down at Buffy, unaware of the fact that she had lost a large amount of blood herself. She was wearing a white tank top with a leather jacket and as Xander walked behind her he realized that a lot of the blood on her was her own and not just Buffy's. 

"Faith, you're hurt," he announced.

"What?" She asked, turning towards him. As she turned, the massive loss of blood mixed with the fading adrenaline finally had its affect and her legs disappeared underneath her. Xander caught her before she hit the ground and picked her up in his arms. 

"Take her to the other bedroom," Giles stated. 

--------

"I'm okay," Faith tried to convince him as he put her limp body on the bed. 

"You got beat up pretty bad," he stated mechanically. 

"I'm fine." He ignored her and went and grabbed a damp towel. He returned and without a word began cleaning the blood from her face. 

"Xander," she snapped, grabbing his hand that was touching her face. "You hate me."

"That doesn't mean I should just let you bleed to death."

"Why not?"

"I'm not going to argue with you," he answered.

"You seemed to enjoy arguing with me before…"

"Whatever, Faith," he answered, now just giving up trying to be a good guy. He tossed the towel angrily at her and motioned to leave the room. 

"I tried to stop it," she stated.

"Yeah," he answered unconvinced, "I'm sure you tried real fucking hard." With that he walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him. 

--------------------

Giles walked into the dark kitchen shaking his Scotch slightly. He held the bridge of his nose as he walked. His entire world seemed like it had disappeared and his life as he knew it held no validity or importance anymore. He had assumed the kitchen was empty because the light was off but he quickly realized that Faith was sitting silently. She was staring down at a glass and Giles commented,

"I must admit, I assumed you'd be nursing a beer."

"No, no beer for me tonight. You know, drinking isn't the way to deal with this," she scolded, motioning towards Giles' Scotch. He glanced down at his drink shamefully and then caught himself and realized just who he was speaking with. He glared at her doubtfully now and grabbed the glass in front of her. He brought it up to his nose and smelled it. 

"Right. Not the way to deal with this, huh?" He placed the glass of Jack Daniel's back in front of her and she took it up immediately and took a long drink from it. She lit a cigarette and answered,

"I never said I was dealing."

"No, I don't suppose you did." They both were in the kitchen and a surprising similarity could be seen. Both of them took long sips from their drinks followed by long drags of their cigarettes. Giles had quickly been offered one from Faith and he readily accepted it. They were both quiet and pensive staring far off into the deep color of their chosen, comforting beverages. 

Spike walked into the kitchen several minutes later and in seeing Faith he announced,

"You bloody useless bitch." Faith didn't even move but Giles jumped defensively,

"Spike, there's no need for that."

"That should be her up there. She's the one who should be dead, bloody useless tramp. This is probably the happiest day of your life, huh Faith?" Not getting the reaction he wanted out of Faith he walked angrily towards her and continued to instigate a fight. "Huh, you stupid whore, I'm talking to you now! Come on, aren't you going to throw a bloody party?" Faith remained sitting, completely unmoved. Finally Spike grabbed the chair that was next to Faith and threw it furiously across the room. She jumped slightly at the noise and he pushed his face right in front of hers, "happiest day of your bloody miserable existence." 

Tears began to appear in her eyes and she motioned to speak,

"Buffy-"

"There you go, get those tears going. You really should've just gone and been an actress, you know that?"

"I loved Buffy more than you ever will," she answered firmly, "and everyone knows it."

"You watched her die and your only regret was not being the one holding that knife as it slid across her throat!" Spike screamed. 

The noise Spike was causing to come from the kitchen had drawn the attention of the house and Xander and Kennedy had both entered the room cautiously. They watched Spike and Faith both very carefully, knowing what both of them were capable of under such emotional strain. They were both also very explosive and unpredictable. 

As the last word left Spikes mouth, Faith suddenly brought her hand that was holding her glass of JD up to meet his face, smashing the glass on his face. In the same movement she slammed his face down onto the table at an angle that would make snapping his neck only a slight nudge away. Spike was held quiet both from the sudden intense pain and the fact that he knew as well as she did how little it would take to finish him off from where she had him.

Kennedy stood tensely in the doorway unsure of whether doing anything would make Faith stop or give that final nudge needed to kill him. She was scared to breathe. She was shocked that Xander began walking cautiously towards her. He had seemed to loathe her since the minute she had walked into the house and she thought him the last person that would try to talk her down. 

Xander had begun to walk towards her not because he cared much for what happened to Spike but because he saw the look on her face. Her face was blank and tense like he remembered it used to look when she was working for the Mayor. She forced this indifferent, untouchable expression while the rest of her was silently screaming in agony. He could see it in her free hand which hung at her side. It shook quietly at her side with each and every muscle in it tense and jaggedly defined. Her jaw twitched spasmodically as she stood there struggling with what to do. 

He knew that if she didn't have anything to stop her she would eventually just kill him knowing the repercussions of killing him wouldn't be as bad as having to have everyone see her back away from something she had set out to do. It was a mentality that, unfortunately, prison had only encouraged. But he also knew that the reason she hadn't immediately just killed him was because she knew she shouldn't. She had spent years curbing that part of herself and she knew the pain in it. 

Xander also couldn't help but acknowledge a piece of him that just didn't care. It was a piece of him that wanted to just turn around and walk back to his bedroom and go to sleep, completely unconcerned with whether Spike would be dust and Faith would be in agony the next day or if Spike were the one to snap her neck. That was the part of him that wasn't completely sure if he wasn't angry at her himself. This part of him wanted to know why Faith had never been held back before, but when it really mattered, and when Buffy really needed her, she wasn't there. It was this part of him that agreed with Spike – she was useless. Faith's only purpose was to help Buffy when she needed it. She was never going to be their Slayer, she was only around to protect Buffy so that Buffy could be their Slayer. 

As much as Xander wanted to keep that part of him hidden away from everyone's view, he would publicize that piece of him much quicker than another. There was another part of him that he hated and it was the part that loved her. It was the part that even as she gripped his throat and tried to strangle him, still wanted to hold her because he understood why she was doing it. 

He walked towards her slowly, knowing she couldn't feel trapped if he wanted this to go his way. He eyed Giles who had also begun walking towards her and he shook his head, signaling for him to stop, which he did. 

"Faith…"

"Don't," she growled. 

"You've proved your point," he answered, un-intimidated by her tone, "now let it go." He watched her shake from the rage pumping through her body as she thought through it. He finally reached her and he placed his hand on her free arm to settle her. He felt her submit to his touch so he brought his other hand to her arm that was holding Spike and gripped her tense bicep. She let Spike go slowly, submitting to Xander's touch in a way that shocked her more than it shocked him. 

Spike rolled onto the floor muttering curses at her. He regained his pride and slowly made his way out of the room, never lacking for insults about her. 

Xander stared down at the back of her neck and felt her shaking violently in his hands. She had listened to him but that didn't mean she wasn't pissed off about it. 

"You need to calm down," he warned. She gave a slight nod and he began to let her arms go. She felt her stomach twist at the loss of his touch, but like everything else, she swallowed it down. "You drinking Jack tonight?" he asked as he opened the cabinet to pull her out a new glass. 

"Yeah…" she answered with a cracked voice. 

"Alright," he answered routinely. "Hey, why don't you guys get some rest? I'll stay and get drunk with Miss Mentally Stable." Both Giles and Kennedy realized he was kicking them out of the kitchen because she would be better without them around. They nodded and quickly disappeared into other parts of the house. 

Xander filled the glass generously with Jack Daniel's and put it down in front of her again. He found that her state didn't worry him as he expected it would usually; she was completely still except for her slight shaking and the way her eyes followed every single movement around her. 

"I… I tried to…" she began hesitantly. 

"I don't want to hear about it," he stated, silencing her. 

"Right," she answered, taking a long drink of Jack. She finished her drink and the rest of her pack of cigarettes as Xander cleaned up the broken glass on the floor. 

"Next time, could you maybe, I don't know, use a paper cup or something?" he joked slightly. Silence with Faith was generally pretty unnerving, but tonight it seemed to reach new levels. 

"Yeah, whatever you want," she answered. 

"Yeah, right… that always was the funny bit about you. Always liked to pretend to want to listen. You want to pretend you like it…" Suddenly he threw one of the glasses he was putting away against the wall and watched it shatter. 

"Do I got to clean up after you now?" she asked, un-phased by his sudden outburst. 

"No," he answered, the truth of his feelings clearly printed in his voice. "I'll take care of it." 

"I want to go upstairs," she stated, seemingly out of nowhere. 

"So go upstairs," he answered curtly, completely unaware of why her desires were suddenly being announced. 

"Take me upstairs," she stated again. He turned towards her, ready to immediately decline. But then he looked into her pained eyes and he couldn't help but acknowledge the rage inside of him. He felt that rage and at first that was why he was going to decline, but then it was what made him listen. 

"Fine," he answered, walking towards her bedroom leaving her to follow. 

------------------

Faith walked into the room behind him and closed the door. She glanced up at him and walked slowly towards him. She placed her hand on his cheek gently and kissed his lips with the same softness. Halfway through the tender kiss, Xander grabbed her arms roughly and assaulted her mouth with his. 

"Xander-" she began but he quickly cut her off as he pushed her against the wall without any regard towards either of their comfort. 

"Don't say anything," he warned. He moved in for another kiss but she dodged it and looked deeply into his eyes with an equal glare. 

"I don't take orders." Xander was so captivated by her stare that he didn't realize she had moved until he felt his pants drop to the floor. He lost his focus and glanced quickly down at his fallen pants and then back up at her, "Look at that…"

"What?"

"I can still make you blush." She let out a small laugh but was silenced when he quickly forced his hand around her neck. He stroked her jaw with his thumb with his hand still lingering at her throat,

"I can make you sore." With his free hand he undid her jeans and pushed them to the floor. 

"You wish," she challenged. 

------------------- 


	3. Read the Signs

Deal with It (3/?) Chapter 3: Read The Signs

Xander looked down at Faith underneath him as he felt all of his muscles in his body finally admit to their pleasant fatigue. In his distraction he realized that he hadn't really looked her in her face for… well, since either of them had shed their clothes and he had found more pleasant, less personal, personals to feast his eyes on. There was no commitment in looking at her body as there was when he actually tried to look into her eyes. That was something he had learned even without being in a bedroom with her. But even during the brief moments when he had looked into her face, he wasn't focused. His thoughts were further from his body than he could ever remember them being. He felt disconnected and far from everything except the pain inside of him. 

Now that he was looking at her face, and actually looking, he saw that she was probably further from that bed than he was. He couldn't help but feel his ego slump when he saw her expression, which no matter how he looked at it seemed discontent and unsatisfied. It wasn't simply towards him though, that he could tell, but for some reason he had fallen into her long used mindset that this kind of sex gets rid of that feeling. Her head was tilted to the side and her eyes were barely open. Feeling for the first time all night – or at least allowing himself to admit to it – he felt pangs of guilt and pain run through him. He paused momentarily, then fighting his hesitation – for which he didn't understand, since he had just touched her everywhere – he raised his hand up to her face and gently stroked her cheek. Faith turned her face away from his touch. 

"Good," she stated. Her tone was tired and indifferent, despite her attempt at a compliment. He was confused by not only her tone but that it was directly followed by her motioning for him to get off of her. He moved off of her and settled himself beside her. She turned onto her side facing the other direction and pulled the blanket over her, going to sleep instantly. She didn't move for several long moments and Xander stood from the bed and pulled his boxers on. 

"A little too much J.D., huh, baby?" he muttered condescendingly. He gathered the rest of his clothes and walked towards the door, but then glancing back at her lying peacefully asleep, he turned back and laid down next to her again. He didn't know why he did that but for some reason he just couldn't make himself leave. He even felt uncomfortable being there with her but there was also a large part of him that wouldn't allow his departure. He tried to figure out what he would say if Faith woke up and saw him still sitting there, or worse yet, if someone else walked in to get Faith. What would be his explanation then? 

His answer to that question was one that he had never ever anticipated himself ever having. He thought on his plan for what he would do and he simply resolved that he didn't give a fuck. He didn't care who came in… it could be Kennedy or Giles or even Dawn and he'd answer to their questioning stares, it's none of your business, or more likely, fuck off, I did. And, with a little more deliberation, he realized that if Faith said anything he'd answer her with the same type of answer. 

Where had this newly found… confidence, he decided to call it confidence, come from? Was this his way of dealing with Buffy's death? Or had Faith done as promised and fucked some sense into him? His eyes hadn't left her and he felt a pang of guilt creeping up inside of him. He quickly suppressed it, impressing himself in his ability to do so. On a normal day he probably wouldn't have been able to live with himself knowing he had slept with her when she had been that drunk. Faith could handle her liquor and the girl knew what she was getting herself into, drunk or not. She was one of the rare people that actually grew more aware of her surroundings and herself with each drink. But clearly, he had to admit looking at her passed out on the bed, that her only true lover, Mr. Jack Daniels, had caught up with her tonight and given her a nice kick in the ass. 

Xander heard some noise and realized he had fallen asleep. He opened his eyes and saw that Faith had turned around and was now sleeping facing him. He felt his heart sinking with every tear he saw falling down her cheeks. He felt his heart softening and his arm wanting to reach out and hold her and a vicious part of him shut him down and caused a steel wall to erect all around him. I don't care about her, he reminded himself repeatedly. 

The sun was up, but still he didn't want to leave the room. He could hear some activity going on downstairs and decided to kick his butt into gear. He stood off of the bed and to his surprise Faith woke with a start. She looked up at him and he returned it with his new resolute, cold, indifferent look. She played it off quite nicely, completely insulting him even in his new façade when she dropped her head face first into her pillow groaning,

"Fuck."

"What? It was that good?" he asked, trying to also play off the insult. She sat up slowly, pulling the sheet around her skillfully, and answered,

"You know, one of these days, can't I just get drunk and wake up next to Brad Pitt or something?"

"Sorry to disappoint."

"At least you're consistent."

"Which is more than we can say for you, huh?"

"I need to go throw up now… maybe while I'm gone you can disappear."

"Oh, you mean work up some magic and poof for you?"

"Yeah, Xander," she answered sarcastically, "use your magic fucking legs to poof yourself out of my fucking room. Cool?" She grabbed a towel off of the dresser and headed for the bathroom. 

"Bitch."

-----------

Faith walked downstairs, showered and dressed, heading directly for the kitchen which contained two heavenly items, coffee and aspirin. As she descended the stairs she thought she might've actually been lucky enough that no one was around. The house was usually swarming with activity by now and everything seemed quiet. She walked into the kitchen and had to catch herself from stopping suddenly. All of the Potentials along with Dawn, Willow, and Andrew were in the kitchen, sitting in complete silence with a uniform scared and lost expression. 

All of them looked up at her as she entered the room. The weight of the world had not only been given to her, but it she could feel it, at that very moment, dropped down right on top of her. 

"Hey," she muttered, trying to mask her discomfort. She walked over to the coffee maker, disappointed and more than a little pissed off that no one had made it yet. She kept her grumbling on the inside knowing that was the last thing any of these girls needed to deal with right now. It was her issue, not theirs. 

"Faith, tell them they have to eat something," Dawn said to her. Faith turned to all of the girls about to just repeat Dawn's words and stopped herself, wanting to return back to that place where nothing mattered and nothing hurt her. 

"Do what you want."

"I would eat," Rhona answered, "but there's no food in the house."

"Yeah," Molly added. "You're going to get us food and stuff, right? Buffy usually took care of that…" Xander walked into the kitchen hearing the room's shift from utter silence to quite animated conversation. Faith turned to face the window and then back to the girls pointing out the window,

"It's light outside. Go feed yourselves." 

"Okay," Vi answered encouragingly, "we can go get food. You'll come with us though, right?"

"Yeah, Buffy wouldn't let us go anywhere without her or someone to-"

"Well, Buffy's gone," Kennedy snapped. "We do things Faith's way…"

"Yeah," Faith agreed, pleasantly surprised by the support.

"And what way is that?" Rhona asked.

"Grow up fast and take care of yourself," Faith answered, reflecting her own life.

"And what if we get killed?" Rhona demanded to know.

"That's really not my problem… it's yours."

"What about the First? What about fighting?"

"You guys gotta learn how to take care of yourselves," she repeated, "I've got enough baggage to keep me completely occupied in a fight. I don't need to be taking care of all of you too. Learn how to hold your own in a fight and you'll be cool. I'll help you guys train and fight and I'll help you get ready but I'm not your fucking babysitter. All of you got to grow the fuck up." 

"But…"

"Rhona, do I look like the fucking motherly type?"

"No."

"That's cause I'm not. You want a mom, go find one. You want to learn how to fight, do what I say." With that, Faith turned to the coffee maker and poured herself a large cup. Everything she had said sunk in for a moment with all of the girls and finally Kennedy said,

"Alright, let's go get some breakfast. We'll start training when we get back." 

"I like her," Faith admitted to anyone who was listening in the kitchen. 

"You gonna be so supportive if she gets killed?" Xander asked cruelly, speaking for the first time. Both Faith and Willow snapped their face over to Xander. 

Done fixing her coffee just the way she liked it – two and a half sugars and enough milk to make it the same color as coffee ice cream – Faith headed out of the kitchen. Without disturbing the rhythm of her walk she glanced up at Xander and asked,

"Do you have anything that you do yet?" Uninterested in any reply he might come up with she continued out of the room.

"I always told her to go into standup," he answered. He didn't get quite the reaction he was expecting from Willow, even if he did factor in the situation. "What?"

"The first time I was a little slow to catch on, but I did. And now, well, Xander, I'm not slow anymore. I kind of wish I could go back to being slow though… If you're going to sleep with her, can you maybe, not make it so obvious?"

"Wil-"

"But, not even that," she said cutting him off. "Just… don't be such a pig about it. You want to hurt her, fine, we all have a little of that still in us, but don't hurt everyone else in the process. And I don't really understand your whole, sleeping with her to hurt her thing, but I know that's why you're doing it… and I don't like it, but that's not my call."

"You're right, it's not," he agreed curtly.

"Xander, just don't turn into the type of guy that Faith is so eager to prove all guys are."

"And what's that, Dr. Rosenberg?"

"Complete assholes that only want to hurt people." 

-----------------

The Potentials piled back into the house and found Faith lying on the couch in front of the television smoking a cigarette. 

"Fuck," she groaned.

"What?" Kennedy asked, confused.

"Me and my severe hangover were kind of hoping you'd all have gotten killed or something."

"Sorry to disappoint!" Rhona answered angrily.

"No, it's okay," Kennedy answered, "if you're not up for it, we can just train tomorrow."

"I don't need to be up for it, you do."

"I think you underestimate us," Kennedy answered.

"I don't think she does," Molly added. 

They walked out to the backyard and awaited Faith's instructions. They were shocked when she didn't even glance any of them over. 

"Faith?" Kennedy asked, again confused.

"What? You guys planning on death by boredom? Beat me up."

"Which one of us do you want to go first?" Faith laughed and answered,

"I think if you're going to any chance it's going to take all of you." None of the Potentials motioned towards her, not even Kennedy. "Wow, Rhona, you were right. You all are going to die." They looked at her quizzically, lifting themselves onto the balls of their feet as if actually preparing themselves to act. Faith went to Vi and picked her up by the front of her jacket and sent her flying into two other girls, sending all three of them to the ground. 

Kennedy finally sprung into action and attempted a roundhouse kick at Faith's face. She blocked it and sent the girl to the ground with one side swipe to the face. She ducked another charge, flipping the girl behind her into another approaching two and then swung her leg under two other girls, knocking them to the ground. Vi and Kennedy were up again and charged, Kennedy again aiming for Faith's face, this time with her fist. Faith sent a strong kick to her stomach, knocking the wind out of her and sending her back into Vi, also causing her to fall. 

Faith landed her hits almost one hundred percent of the time. And she noted that the only time any of them were able to get her off of her rhythm was when she caught a blow to her stomach and then the lot of them were able to jump at the opportunity. She knew it took them all a couple of serious hits to realize that they shouldn't be holding anything back when they fought her. 

The girls continued, desperately trying to at least stay on their feet long enough to blink. After about an hour, the entire group – excluding Faith – was exhausted. 

"Wow," Faith said sardonically, "you girls last about as long as a teenaged boy." Several girls had that comment fly right over their heads, but some definitely picked up on Faith's penchant to relate everything to sex. 

"Okay," Rhona said, still panting, "you just kicked all of our asses."

"I'm drenched in sweat," Molly admitted.

"If you ain't sweating, it ain't good." Faith answered. "Alright, unfortunately even fighting has thinking involved in it. You've got to come up against who you're fighting and know what their stitch is. I knew in the first ten seconds what each of your weaknesses are. You three hesitate in your hits, which kills you. You four girls have absolutely no balance, I mean, I felt like I should be teaching you how to stand instead of punch. All of you don't change up your routines enough, it's the same punch, the same kick, the same charge, each and every time. Not that I'm surprised," she admitted, "but you guys fight like B."

"Are you saying you don't like the way Buffy fights? Well, fought…"

"Not at all," Faith answered quickly. "I'm just saying that I can tell she trained you. Without her speed, strength, and experience, those monotonous fighting skills ain't shit."

"What's the biggest thing I need to work on?" Kennedy asked, wanting to better her fighting. She knew Faith could help her, she could help all of them, and she wanted to get the full advantage. 

"You don't have anything to work on," Molly answered. All of them knew Kennedy was a rung above them on fighting. 

"You always aim high," Faith answered. "You all should've realized by now that you can learn a lot about a person by how they fight. Kennedy aims high… not necessarily a bad thing, but when you concentrate so hard on the high stuff in life, the lower stuff tends to crumble to shit. Kennedy kept aiming for my face and-"

"I knew you were stronger than all of us so I figured if I could get your face I would be able to stun you and gain the upper hand," she explained, thinking Faith would get angry and see her aiming for her head as a personal assault. 

"Good approach, but you should've realized when it didn't work the first time that it wasn't the approach that was going to get me. You've got to get inside your opponents head, and I promise, it's a scary fucking sight. You kept aiming high and ignored the lower stuff and each time I landed you right on your ass. You aim high, you leave the low stuff open. And Kennedy," she began on a lighter note, "you should know I wouldn't have let anyone touch this sexy face of mine… it's the last thing I'm going to leave open. Well, second to last…"

"What's the last?" Kennedy asked.

"You tell me. I just listed your weakness; hell, I could analyze any of you after that little rumble."

"For someone who claims to not like to think you sure do a lot of it during a fight," Kennedy added, defensive but also impressed, after Faith's analysis on her. 

"That's what Buffy hated the most about me. She hated that I understood her and why she did things. I probably wouldn't have if I hadn't fought beside her, and also sometimes against her. During a fight you see the way people tick… you see what their aims are, their fears, and you see what their impulses and reflexes tell them to do."

Everyone heard what she was telling them, and unlike all of the speeches Buffy would give on fighting, it actually sunk in. They had learned so much from Buffy, but most of what she had verbally taught them, they could only repeat. What Faith had said made sense and she didn't want them to be able to repeat what she said, she only wanted them to think about it. 

"So," Faith began again, "since you guys all spent most of your time on your asses, who can play Dr. Shrink with me? Well, let's not even get into that. That's a darker place than I want any of you thinking about, so who can just tell me what my weakness is.

"Lacking guilt when kicking other people's asses," Rhona muttered. 

"Always been a part of my personality," Faith agreed with an indifferent shrug.

"You didn't seem to have one," Kennedy answered. "I guess that comes with time, right? After training for so long you've strengthened all of your weaknesses so they don't exist anymore…"

"Kennedy, you ain't talking to Buffy. I've got shit I suck at – what is it?" She scanned the crowd waiting for any of them to get it. "Come on, girls, you can't tell me that all the demons and dumb fucking vamps I've fought are smarter than you. I'm sure some of your parents spent more money on your school than I'll ever see in my life. Come on!"

"It's not your balance," Vi answered, "you barely even moved from the spot you started in."

"And it's not your aim," Molly answered, rubbing her cheek. 

"You definitely mix things up, too," Rhona answered, "I think you succeeded in bruising me everywhere."

"So what is it? You guys landed a couple of hits, where were they?"

"Mostly your arms," Kennedy answered.

"And your back, I got a few in on your back," Rhona added with a laugh. 

"But when were you all able to do that? There was a first hit that made it so all of you could jump on me."

"Your stomach," Kennedy answered, it all clicking suddenly in her head. 

"And we have a winner. Tell me why."

"I think it was Vi who hit your shoulder and I was punched you in the stomach. You lost your focus after that hit."

"She's right," Faith answered. 

"Isn't that where Buffy stabbed you?" Molly asked. 

"Buffy stabbed you?" Kennedy asked quickly.

"Deserved it," Faith admitted, "and now it's a weakness. It was always a weakness in my fighting but since then its become a bigger issue. You girls have to start keeping your eyes open. I can tell you right now, your enemies will. I don't think I've been in one big fight since that happened when the demon hasn't haven me some serious damage to my stomach. They find your weakness and they aim for it." 

"You train a lot different then Buffy did," Vi added. "She never beat us up before."

"And when she would spar with us," Molly piped up, "she'd go to hit us like this," Molly made the motion with Vi, "she's stop just before hitting us or do it real gently and then explain what we did wrong."

"Well, I was only hitting you gently," Faith warned. "And words are something you'll think about while you're training but for the next couple of days, each time you bump into something or move the wrong way and you hit a sore spot, you'll think about how to avoid it next time. It's how I learned."

----------

"Nice, Faith's beating up kids again," Xander mocked as they all piled back into the house. Spike had come up from the basement and now was sending a steady glare in Faith's direction. Everyone grew more tense once they noticed it but the Potentials were once again in awe of her when she asked jovially,

"How's your neck?"

"Piss off…" She laughed before jogging up the stairs. "She's one saucy bitch," he said to Xander.

"Yeah, kind of crazy too."

"That's for sure… she stands there all like, push my buttons, please sir, then you push the wrong one and she's fucking snapping like crazy."

"Yeah, she'll kill you as soon as she'll fuck you."

"You would know," Spike added with a laugh. 

-----------

"I guess it works… I'm just not good at it yet."

"It does," Kennedy defended. "I mean, at first when she explained my personality I didn't believe her, but I've been thinking about it and she's completely right. I understand exactly what she meant."

"Well then explain her," Vi urged. 

"Yeah, I'm confused by her personality. Her training is pretty straight forward, I'm not going to lie, but her personality is a puzzle," Molly admitted.

"Well, I'm not saying I've got her figure out, but it's kind of funny when you realize… everything she does is like sex." Half of the girls looked at her unclear of how and the other half tried to maintain neutral expressions because they had never had sex and didn't want to say anything stupid. "No, really," Kennedy continued, "I mean, her fighting… well, her training was all about tiring all of us out and throwing us on our backs. That says something and just the way she fights, hell, the way she fucking walks and talks. Willow told me she said years ago about Faith and she was completely right, 'Faith's the do that girl'. I just think it's funny how obvious it all becomes once you see that."

-------------

"Hey," Kennedy greeted, walking over to the couch where Willow was sitting with a book.

"Hey."

"You're looking a little stressed."

"Then that's a good day if I only look 'a little' stressed."

"What's the matter…"

"I don't really want to talk about it."

"Okay. Then can we talk about how weird it is that Xander's sleeping with Faith?"

"How did you know?" Willow asked with a jump. 

"Do I look dumb?"

"No, definitely not, but you don't know Xander that way and you only just met Faith, and…"

"Will, even if I was dumb, I'm not deaf," she admitted with a grin. "They're not exactly quiet."

"I guess they're not, huh?"

"Definitely not."

-----------

Xander sat in the kitchen with his eyes transfixed on the clock. The minutes ticked by and once they hit ten-thirty he rose and walked to Faith's room. The door was slightly ajar so he walked slowly in without a knock. 

"What do you want?" she asked from the other side of the room. She was folding up some clothes and putting them back into her duffle bag in a more organize sort of pile. He stood there in silence with his hands in his pockets. She looked at him from where she was for several moments then walked towards him. "You know, as a general rule, you should only come back to a girl for a second run when you were actually worth it the first time."

"That might be true but I'm a hell of a lot better than anything else you've got offering to be with you. You should be grateful that I can deal with you for that long."

"Don't kid yourself, it's really not that long."

"Correct me if I'm wrong, Faith, but I think it was you who shortened things up last night, you know, passing out and all."

"Faith," Giles said walking into her room. He was confident that she would be the only one there so he stopped suddenly when he saw Xander. Probably far more suddenly then he should have, he concluded. "I didn't mean to interrupt."

"You weren't," she assured him, "he was just leaving." She threw a glare in his direction but he ignored it and remained standing there. 

"Well, it's actually good you're here, Xander. I came to unfortunately discus with you the funeral arrangements and if you had anything you wanted to have done."

"That's not my call," Faith said quickly. A little too quickly. 

"I disagree," Giles answered.

"It's not my business!" Faith said again. 

"I really believe that Buffy would've wanted your involvement and-"

"No she wouldn't!"

"Faith," Giles defended again.

"Hey! She doesn't want to," Xander defended. "She doesn't have to. Buffy would've understood."

"Alright," Giles answered, realizing that Xander was right and that, in his stress and grief, he had pushed too hard. "What about you?"

"I think I'm going to take a back seat in this one too."

"Very well. I'll go and take care of everything on my own then." Giles exited the room, closing the door behind him, wanting to continue in his grieving as before. 

"Thanks," Faith said softly without moving. Xander walked slowly up behind her and kissed the side of her neck. She took a deep, soft breath, probably for the first time all day. He dropped his hands to the side of her waist and squeezed her tightly. A soft whimper actually escaped her lips as he rode his hands up her sides then cupped them under her breasts and squeezed as he had before. 

He brought one hand up to her face and tilted it to the side as he continued to kiss and bite at her neck as his other hand undid her jeans. As they slid to the floor he raised that hand back to her breast and, listening to a pent up feeling inside of him, he bit her neck hard, positive it was going to draw blood. She didn't even flinch. He turned her around to face him and she ripped his shirt off. As soon as he lifted hers off, she swung her leg under his feet sending him straight to the floor.

It was just as it had been the night before, but higher in its intensity. The night before both had felt that they vented but they quickly realized that there had been hesitations on both ends for whatever reason. Tonight lacked the hunger for one another and it almost flaunted the fact that neither needed the other. It was all about their individual needs with no regards to the other's. 

A couple hours later, finally having someone get her out of breath, Faith got off of him and walked over to her clothes. He remained lying on the floor, far more out of breath than her, and waited to regain it. Once he had he grabbed his boxers, still looking over at her. 

"Beat it," she stated. He looked at her angrily, but un-shocked. Grabbing his things off of the floor he gave her a last look and answered,

"I really do hate you."

"Good," she answered. He left the room, slamming the door behind him. She tired desperately to hold them back, but the tears soon streamed down her cheeks. She climbed into bed and gripped her pillow tightly, crying herself to sleep. 


	4. It Really Changes A Person

Deal With It It Really Changes A Person Chapter (4/?)

Faith walked cautiously down the stairs, not because she was afraid of anyone but because she doubted her own stability. She had fallen asleep and less than an hour later she woke up sicker than she could remember ever being. She had spent the entire remainder of the night in the bathroom throwing up. After a few hours of that she found herself literally begging for it to stop. She had been shaking and after the first few times there was nothing left for her to purge from her system so she dry heaved. 

She was not a fan of throwing up, even though she was fairly sure she held a world record of some kind. But despite how many times it may have happened, it still got her upset and emotional. Kennedy had walked into the bathroom to take a shower early that morning and walked in on Faith sitting on the bathroom floor with a towel against her face. The towel had been enough to get rid of any actual tears, but Kennedy knew she was crying as soon as she saw her painfully red eyes. 

Despite how dizzy she was, she forced herself to get dressed. Hopefully moving around and getting occupied with The First would make her forget about how sick she was feeling. The stairs were not an easy task but once she mastered them she realized they were going to be a lot easier than dealing with the shrieking teens in the next room. 

"You alright?" Giles asked, catching a glimpse of her trying to steady herself against the wall. 

"Yeah," she answered unsteadily, "I'm cool."

"Kennedy told me you weren't feeling well this morning. Perhaps-"

"I'm fine."

"Very well," he agreed, disappearing into the oncoming crowd of Potentials. Their chatter seemed deafening to her this morning and she felt as though their voices were going to literally tear her into jagged pieces. Kennedy walked up to her and repeated the same conversation as Giles just had to Faith's displeasure. 

"How are you feeling?"

"Can everyone stop asking me that?" she snapped. 

"Yeah, I was actually just being polite… but since we're skipping that. I need to ask you something. Well, it's more than just one question it's kind of like… I'm not sure. Can we just talk for a minute?"

"Yeah," Faith answered. There was a crash as one of the girls hit a lamp off of a table. "Let's talk somewhere that's not here." She directed Kennedy out of the hallway and out onto the front stoop. Faith sat down on the steps and quickly lit herself a cigarette. Kennedy sat down closely next to her and watched her feet move for a few seconds before asking quickly,

"What was prison like?"

"That's what you wanted to talk about as soon as I got downstairs?"

"Yeah, I mean, what was it like? Something like that really changes a person, you know?"

"I do know, actually."

"Well, yeah, of course you do. Was it like all of the movies? You know, like where you have to beat up the toughest guy, err, girl on your first day so no one messes with you? And did you run your own gang? What was the food like? And showers, oh my God, showering… you… all of those… with you. They stared, didn't they?"

"You got a little drool there," she answered, motioning towards Kennedy's chin. 

"I'm just saying," she joked back. 

"Well for Miss Boarding School you sure have a lot of questions about jail. You planning on doing a field trip there or maybe a long-term stay?"

"No, neither," she answered, "I just see you and… well, I know that being in prison really changes a person and I'm trying to figure out what you were like before."

"What's with all this trying to figure me out stuff? I don't know if I like that," she joked with a mocking glare. Kennedy held her ground and Faith finally answered, "Okay, I didn't plan on kicking anyone's ass while I was there because that was the whole point of me being there… you know, to stop hurting people. Within like two minutes of me being there though I realized that wasn't going to be a solid plan. I had a little rumble with a group of chicks and then some cops got involved and got hurt so that definitely wasn't fun but it didn't take long for the girls to catch on to not mess. I definitely spent my time alone – gave me time to think about stuff. The food was… well, it was terrible but it was free, so I guess I shouldn't complain and the showering situation definitely sucked major ass. Now really, what did you really want to talk to me about?"

"What do you mean?" she snapped defensively.

"You're all antsy like… what's bugging you?"

"Actually, you're right. It's this thing… with Willow. I thought you'd be a good person to talk to. I mean I get that you're not into chicks but…"

"Hey, to each his, or in this case, her own. Yo, if I could get off with chicks I'd be so happy – they're a lot less fucking annoying than guys – but unfortunately it just doesn't do it for me."

"When you're with someone… well, if you're able to be with someone does that mean that you love them? Or at least care about them? I mean, there's no reason someone would be with someone else unless they had certain feelings for them, right?"

"Definitely," Faith concluded, "you've got to have feelings. You and Willow are great for each other. You definitely keep her in this reality, which she needs. She's also a lot less uptight when she gets unwound once in a while, you know. If you're having cold feet about it, that's just normal."

"But since I can be with her, you know, and I have been more than once, that means that there's something there, right?"

"Definitely."

"So in order for two people to continue being with each other, both of them have to have feelings. But what if one of them didn't have feelings for the other? What if one of them was just using the other for some reason?"

"You lost me," Faith admitted.

"What if both of them were just using each other for some reason? What if they both thought they were just using each other and really one of them was doing it because they really needed the other person and the other was just trying to hurt her?" 

Faith laughed uncomfortably realizing the trap she had just walked willingly into. Hornet's Nest, there she was. 

"Kennedy, there's being with someone and then there's just sex. And sex doesn't mean anything," she clarified strictly. Even though Kennedy felt like her stomach was not only hanging at her ankles but also twisting around on itself, she continued to press forward since what she was observing with Faith and Xander was ripping her to pieces. 

"I think you're wrong. When it's just sex it tends to mean a lot more. When you're with someone it's love or caring. When it's just sex it gets to consume all of those other emotions."

"Well, if you're the expert why did you need to talk about it?"

"Why do you do it?"

"Like I said, it's just sex, kid."

"Just sex once, I get, but not several times… One night stands work because you're with the person and then they go away but with him you see him the next day and he's mean to you and you still let him back into your bed. And you let him hurt you!" she yelled, finally losing the control she had capping her emotions. She pointed at Faith's neck accusingly, "You let him hurt you!" 

At the moment Faith's neck was covered by the jacket she was wearing but Kennedy had spotted the bruise that morning in the bathroom. There was a red bite mark that was practically a welt on her skin and all over the rest of her neck were small black bruises. 

"He's not hurting me," Faith defended weakly. 

"Anya never let him do that to her."

"Kennedy, what do you want from me, huh? It's none of your business what the fuck I do, alright. Back the fuck off." Faith answered, finally snapping at the moral lecture. 

"Do you love him?"

"We answered that already – it's just sex."

"Okay, so we said that that means it's not love. What is it then?"

"Kennedy-"

"Do you hate him? Are you angry? Upset? Lonely?"

"What the-"

"I just don't understand! I don't understand why you would let him hurt you like this! He's hurting you and you let him!"

"Kennedy, he's not hurting me, okay? I'm a Slayer, this doesn't hurt!"

"Yeah, that's why you're crying all night and why you're up throwing up too, right? It's because he makes you feel so special inside, huh?"

The front door opened and Xander poked his head out naively,

"Breakfast is ready."

"Thanks," Faith said dismissively. He nodded and went back inside, completely unaware of their conversation. It was probably a good thing that there were still a few people left in the house that lacked Slayer hearing. "Let's go eat, okay?" Faith asked, turning back to Kennedy. She shook her head and answered angrily,

"I'm not hungry."

"What happened to that big ol' appetite of yours?" Faith asked, still trying to add some levity to the situation.

"I guess it's floating around somewhere with your dignity," she answered harshly. Faith felt as though Kennedy had just landed a solid kick to her stomach. Her usual reaction would've been sharp, fierce and unfettered anger but that wasn't what she felt. Her throat suddenly felt like it had closed completely and there was a large, choking knot maintaining the blockage. 

"I…" Faith tried to say, trying to think of a defense for herself but the words refused to come out. 

"You know, I get why Buffy was crying the other day when you showed up that morning. At first I didn't get it and you know what, this little reality check I got for some reason, man, I really wish I could send it back. You think since she's gone now – your big sister – that no one's watching you anymore? No one cares what happens to you now? You think that she was the only one you'd ever have to answer to?"

"I don't answer to you… if that's what you're trying to say."

"Well who the hell do you answer to?"

"Me," she snapped, more than ready for this conversation to be over.

"No you don't – that's the problem." Faith flicked her third cigarette to the ground nonchalantly then quickly grabbed Kennedy by the front of her jacket and picked her up to her feet and slammed her against the house with one arm positioned under her chin, pressing against her throat. Faith stared at her viciously for several moments then warned,

"Unless you want to figure out first hand what I was like before I went to prison, back yourself the fuck out of my deal." She held her there for another long moment then let her fall to the ground as she reentered the house. Kennedy sat on the porch gripping her neck and gasping for air. She couldn't decide whether she was shaking from all of the fear or her disappointment of not getting through to Faith at all. It hurt her to see Faith, someone she had quickly realized she had more respect for than anyone she had ever met, putting herself in such an unhealthy situation. 

Faith walked into the kitchen and went straight for the cabinet with the aspirin in it. Fucking brat had only helped spike her headache. She meandered through the bustle of the kitchen and opened the cabinet, pulling out the small bottle of pills. Girls moved around behind her, squeezing by her left and right as she tried to pour them into her hand. She felt like she couldn't move but everything around her had just shifted into fast forward. She blinked, keeping her eyes closed for three times the normal duration hoping to slow everything down. 

The prattle of all of the girls seemed to rise in pitch and be going so fast it became like a high pitched buzz of a siren. She forced herself to remain composed, now just standing facing the back counter as everyone continued to jet back and forth with no notice. At the exact moment she felt like she was just going to loose her shit completely Xander touched her arm gently and said with genuine concern,

"You should eat something when you take those," gesturing towards the aspirin. With his touch and his calm, caring voice everything around her calmed to its normal speed but everyone continued doing just what they were doing before. She took a small breath as though it were the first she had taken since she entered the kitchen. 

"Yeah," she answered, her lack of breath evident from her tone, "grab me something to eat." He turned to get her a plate a food, noticing her order to be more of a gentle request. He had been doing his best to keep up with cleaning dishes for the next round of people to eat and helping serve up more food when he couldn't keep himself from stealing a few glances in her direction. He had seen the look on her face and the way she seemed to be holding both the countertop and the bottle of pills as though they were going to help her stay standing. For that moment when he allowed himself to look over at her – just for that small glance that would make his entire day worth it – he let his guard down, and inside admitted to the way he really felt. And seeing her there he realized he was worried. 

"Yeah," Andrew chimed in, completely unaware that Faith wasn't feeling well. "Xander's right, you could get an ulcer if you don't eat when you take those. This one time, I thought I had one but it turned out it was just diarrhea… but they can be really bad. An ulcer is when you get a hole in your stomach and…" he babbled until he remembered Faith's stab wound at Buffy's hand. She glanced up at him, flashing him a warning to stop bothering her and he concluded, "But I guess you know about those already." He quickly made himself disappear into the crowd again. 

Xander walked up to her again, this time with a plate of food balanced on his right hand. He touched the small of her back gently with his left and said as he lowered the plate in front of her,

"Here."

"Thanks," she answered, locking eyes with him even though she was repeatedly chanting in her head not to look at him. She didn't even realize she had done it but she pulled her lower lip between her teeth gently and could see it shorten his breath. 

-----------

She couldn't figure out why, but she needed this. She needed him. She didn't remember putting the aspirin down or not touching any of the food on her plate. She didn't remember leaving the kitchen without anyone noticing and she didn't even remember walking around to the side of the house. But there she was with him holding her up against the side of the house with her thighs gripping his sides as he slowly slid in and out of her. 

He kissed her gently and held her body softly. He caressed her chin softly with his hand before kissing it just as tenderly. She was just as gentle, and strangely loving, with him. She would embrace his head in a gentle hug as she kissed the side of his forehead. He watched her chest rise and fall with each breath, lowering his lips to just beneath where her necklace fell and placed tiny kisses there. 

After what seemed like forever in their slow motion session, Xander gently lowered her legs to the ground and helped steady her as she stood there. She held his shoulders to steady herself looking down at his chest, which was still clothed by a gray sweatshirt. He brought his hand up to her face and she flinched quickly away. 

"Shh," he soothed, bringing his hand up again, this time more slowly. He felt the tension inside of her. It had reached a point where she couldn't deal with it anymore and without her newly developed self control she would have been the same person she was years before. He moved the stray hair away from her face and gently wiped the moisture from the corners of her eyes before placing soft kisses in their absence. 

Xander zipped and buckled his pants as she pulled hers back on. He knew this was usually when she would say something nasty to him and he would walk away angrily so he decided to skip over the middle part and motioned to walk away. To both of their surprise, she grabbed his arm. He looked at her questioningly and she absolutely shocked him. She embraced his neck gently with her arms, then rested her head on his chest without a word of explanation. He heard her silent plea and allowed his arms to fall around her waist. She allowed herself to bask in the feeling of being held that way and ignored the fact that he was only doing it out of a sense of duty since he had just gotten to fuck her. She stared down at his chest as he held her, pretending she could see right to his heart with every name on it but her own. 

Feeling the tears begin to well back into her eyes she forced herself to leave the warmth and security of his arms. She forced a soft laugh, still fixing her eyes on the ground. 

"Sorry," was all she could say. She glanced up at him and he simply nodded before walking away as he had intended to do before. "Hey," she called softly. He stopped after a few paces and without turning completely around listened to her claim, "I don't love you, you know." She wasn't sure why saying those words was like pulling a sharp sword from her throat. She felt as though she could feel the wound the blade had made begin to bleed. She could feel the blood spilling down her throat but allowing her to taste it in the back of her mouth.

"Good."

-------------

"So once we're called, we get a Watcher?" Rhona asked curiously. "Well, under normal circumstances, right?"

"Under normal circumstances, yes," Giles answered. "Why do you ask?"

"Who's Faith's Watcher?" 

"It's-" Giles began confidently, then soon realized it wasn't exactly a simple answer. "Well… I suppose technically it's still Wesley."

"Who?"

"Mr. Wesley Windom-Pryce. He's working in Los Angeles with Angel right now…"

"Why did you say technically?"

"Well, Faith actually has a complicated history of Watchers," he tried to explain.

"It seems like Faith has a complicated history with more than just Watchers," Kennedy answered. 

"Who were her other Watchers?" Molly asked.

"Well, her first was… well, she was killed."

"Did Faith kill her?" Rhona asked. "Cause she came pretty close to demolishing all of us yesterday."

"No," Giles snapped angrily, "she did not kill her. Her Watcher was actually killed in front of her… quite brutally I would imagine."

"Is there any other kind of death in this business?" Vi asked. Silence filled the room for a moment and Giles pressed on,

"Faith then had, well, there was a woman who came and pretended to be her Watcher but really she was just an-" Giles stopped himself and tried to find more appropriate adjectives, "She was evil," he concluded would suffice as a description. "She manipulated Faith quite mercilessly. A Watcher is put in a very powerful position to a Slayer and she took advantage of that position with Faith." Giles found himself lingering on that thought for a long moment, unable to ignore just how many bad breaks Faith had had to deal with. 

"So, did Faith kill her?"

"No," he answered, harshly again. "Buffy did…" his tone more shy, realizing that his original harshness was probably uncalled for. "And then I was Faith's Watcher for the transitional period until Wesley took over. And obviously she didn't kill me," he added.

"Did she kill Wesley?"

"For the love of God, no!" he shouted. 

"Actually, she almost did," Willow interjected quietly. 

"Well, yes… I supposed she did," Giles admitted. 

"That's got to be like some kind of a record. Four Watchers… and I'm guessing the only reason the fourth one is still around is because he's no where near her, huh?" Vi asked with a smirk.

"Faith's past is nothing to giggle about!" Giles scolded firmly. The girls were silenced quickly by his tone. "Even out of the lot of you, all of you are from different backgrounds, but none of you grew up in the circumstances that she did. None of you."

"Was she worse than she is now?" Molly asked, "Because she hasn't been talking since… you know, Buffy… I mean she beat us all up a bit, but before she was… I don't know. She seems real upset."

"She is. Buffy was very important to her."

"Then why did she try to kill her?" Kennedy asked, "Does she only kill people she likes or something?"

"That was a long time ago."

-----------

Faith sat on the wooden bench in the backyard, digging a small hole in the dirt with the toe of her boot. She leaned her elbow on the back of the bench, resting her head on her hand as she stared down at the dirt. Her thoughts, as usual, were having fun fucking with her. As she stared down at the dirt, a memory came to her that at first she had trouble placing. She didn't know when it was from, and when she figured it out, she wished she hadn't. 

She stood in a defensive stance, holding her stake ready in her hand, and ground her heels down into the dirt for a good grip. The huge vamp approached her and before she could make one punch she was out – the only thing she could feel was the dirt against the side of her face. She didn't know how long she had been out for but when she finally opened her eyes all she could feel was the cold, wet dirt on her cheek. She was finally able to focus her eyes and she saw her Watcher. They violated her in ways that reinvented the term. Pushing herself to her feet she screamed as loud as she could but her voice only came out as a small, meek voice. 

"Stop it!"

The ancient vamp turned towards her and smiled. He nodded in agreement and Faith was shocked, but relieved that he was actually going to listen to her. And she soon realized that she should've learned by now that no one ever does what you ask them to. With one flick of his wrist he snapped her Watcher's neck.

"No!" She screamed angrily. The only thing she could make herself do was pull her knife from her back pocket and throw it with all of her might at the vamp. It sliced his eye and he let out a terrifying scream. She ran. She ran until her lungs burned. She ran down the dark, desolate streets of the city until she reached a forest of trees. She kept running, trying to lose herself in the trees. She ran, glancing behind her shoulder until her foot caught on a rock and she flew forward, hitting the jagged ground with a thud. Once again she felt the dirt on her face. She closed her eyes and just tried to remember what that dirt felt like. She knew the only thing she could count on in her life was that she would die like this. Her last feeling would be the cool, damp dirt against her face.

"Faith… God, woman, hello!" Spike yelled, finally walking out towards Faith on the bench. 

"It's not my fault!" she screamed, being ripped out of her daydream. 

"You really are clinically insane," he answered. She glanced down at the ground and saw the small hole she had dug and she cupped the side of her face with her hand. "Not that I care, but are you alright?" She ignored him and asked,

"How long since it's been dark out?"

"You want to know something?" Spike asked, turning back to her. "You've bloody lost it." He turned away again and headed back into the kitchen where everyone had gathered for the night's hunt. Faith stood from the bench, more than a little disturbed that she had been sitting out there all day. She stepped on the hole she had dug, packing it back into its original flat surface, and walked into the kitchen. 

"Alright, G, what's the what?" she asked, closing the door behind her. 

"That's up to you," Willow answered with a semi-encouraging smile. 

"Umm…" Faith mumbled, trying to think. Her head was just a giant cloud of fog and here she was being asked to think about something that she didn't even know what about. She finally broke her silence by walking over to the kitchen cabinet and pulling out the bottle of aspirin again. 

"Have you been having a lot of pain?" Giles inquired.

"Nah, it's just a headache."

"It's from stress," Andrew stated as though it were a professional diagnosis. 

"Thanks, Drew," she answered sarcastically. "Alright, I'm feeling like a kill so-" Faith stopped when she noticed all of the Potentials simultaneously take a small step backwards. "You've got to be fucking kidding me!" They all caught themselves and stopped. "You guys have an afternoon of fucking story telling?" she asked angrily. 

"No, I was-" Giles began. 

"You know what, it's cool." She began walking for the hallway and Kennedy asked quickly,

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to patrol. All of you stay here with Giles, Willow, and Xander. You'll be safer with them."

"Xander's not here," Molly answered.

"Where is he?"

"He went out for a drive with Anya," Kennedy answered. 

"Oh… well, that's cool. He wouldn't save you guys anyway, I just added him in there to be nice. Willow and Giles will keep you all safe. I'll be back by morning."

"Faith, do you really think that's a good idea? You said it yourself, those vampires took out both you and Buffy. They were organized and-"

"I'm not really big on caring right now, Giles."

"I need to speak with you for a moment," he said commandingly, leading the way to another room. She followed him without a word but as he stopped in the hallway, ready to lay into her about her attitude in front of the girls, she continued to walk right past him and out the front door, slamming it behind her. The Potentials all stared down the hallway from the kitchen, shocked. 

---------------

Faith returned back to the house a little before five o'clock in the morning. She walked up to her room and closed the door behind her. She pulled her coat off and tossed it onto the bed, purposely hitting Xander with it. The room was practically pitch but she knew he was there as soon as she walked in.

"What the fuck do you want?"

"Where've you been?"

"Get out."

"Nice to see you're alive too," he answered sardonically. She rolled her eyes and sat down on the bed trying to ignore him. She propped her foot up on the bed in front of her and untied the laces on her boots. He noticed how slow she was when she moved. He moved up behind her on the bed and took over untying her boots. She strangely allowed him to take over the task for her but was sure to show no appreciation. She kicked them off slowly. Suspicious, Xander motioned to try and help her out of her jacket. She stood up, knowing it would be easier that way. He stood also and slowly pulled off her denim jacket one sleeve at a time. Once it was off, even in the dark shadows of the room, he could see her body was covered in scrapes and bruises. 

She pulled her stake out from the waist of her jeans and tossed it on the floor by her boots. Xander ran his hands over her skin cautiously and her skin quivered from distrust that he'd touch one of the cuts. He couldn't help but feel pangs of guilt knowing that a few of the bruises were caused by him. 

"Are you trying to get yourself killed?"

"Whatever it takes to get a thrill these days…"

"Faith…"

"Yo, at ease, soldier, I got my release for the night, you're off duty. Get lost." She turned away from him and lay down cautiously on the bed, not wanting to put unnecessary pressure on any of the bruises. Xander stood there for a moment and despite his unsettled feeling – since he couldn't get a read on her tonight – he took a step towards the bed. "Don't even think about it," she warned. He nodded silently and left.

-

That day outside had been a mistake. It was a slip on both of their parts. This thing they were doing, whatever it was, wasn't supposed to be gentle or loving, or even comforting for that matter, it was supposed to hurt. It was supposed to be mean and vicious to pay for everything she had done. She had let someone die right in front of her and it was as though she was asleep and it just happened. She let the only person that mattered to her die and now she had to pay for it, even if it was just by hurting herself. She knew there were other ways she needed to deal with the death but right now she wasn't ready for any of that, and this mentality was the only way she knew how. 

A full month went by and their strange "something" continued. They would have days when neither would even look at the other and others when they would screw, fuck, get bouncy, wriggly, and nasty, all in one day. They had the opposite of a relationship; someone could even call it an anti-relationship. 

It seemed like everything he could do to hurt her, he would, sometimes just to see if she'd admit that it upset her. He had fired things back up with Anya with absolutely no regard towards Anya at all. He simply wanted to see if Faith would actually admit to being pissed off about it. She didn't say a word but he knew it hurt her. And for some reason, that made him feel like doing it again. It seemed the meaner he was to her, the meaner she'd let him be when he fucked her. He knew it was all because of what happened to Buffy. She couldn't handle what had happened so she needed some sort of escape. Most people chose a tropical island, but then there was Faith who clearly enjoyed torture, pain, and stress much more. 

And every day Faith seemed to block everyone out a little bit more. It was like if she listened to anyone she might have to snap out of it, especially when it came to Kennedy. She couldn't stand seeing Faith this way and the girl was stupid because she tended to let Faith know it. Faith just pushed her further and further away every single day. They barely even looked at each other. Faith couldn't deal with her because it seemed like even looking at her made her realize something that she - for some reason she couldn't understand - didn't want to, or couldn't, realize. As time went by it wasn't just Kennedy that was having this effect. Everyone in the house seemed to make her life seem disjointed and out of place so she ignored them. 


	5. Brain Working Overtime

Deal With It (5/?) Chapter 5: Brain Working Overtime

"You pop those things like they're candy," Xander commented as Faith swallowed six aspirins in the kitchen. 

"What's it to you?" she snapped. Giles and Willow were also in the kitchen going over some paperwork. It had come up once or twice when they were all talking that Faith might've been, possibly, taking aspirin a little too frequently, but it was an issue all of them tended to avoid. 

"I think you take too many of those," Xander answered, surprising everyone in the room. Faith was sure he'd just back off like he usually did, and Giles and Willow were surprised that he was actually going to try and have this argument with her. "You just took like, how many, six of those, and you'll probably take more later… do they even do anything?"

"They don't work for shit and I've got a headache," she answered honestly. "I'm just trying to get rid of this fucking headache that all of you are fucking causing."

"You know what, fuck you!" Xander snapped angrily. "You're-"

"Faith," Giles interjected. Xander shut up, realizing that he had sidetracked from an important issue that was concerning everyone. "You've had that headache for a month now and that aspirin doesn't seem to be helping. I think we should look into the cause and perhaps a different method of treatment."

"Alright, you look it up, and when you find the magic happy pill I'll be happy to pop it." With that she left the room. 

"So do you think she even has a headache?" Willow asked. 

"I do," Giles answered. 

"Then it's got to be like a super slayer strength type migraine because she's popping aspirin every day," Xander added, accidentally allowing some slippage of concern into his tone. 

"The only thing I can think of is that it began with Buffy's death. It's never been recorded before but there's also never been two Slayers before. My only guess is that they were both very close, in a different way than we understand. On a different wavelength or plane, if you will. And since Buffy suffered injury to her neck, I'm guessing that in some sort of disassociation Faith is feeling some of the pain incurred by Buffy."

"Simply said," Willow clarified, seeing the blank look on Xander's face, "Slayer sympathy pains." He nodded then argued,

"Wouldn't she have like a sore throat or something then?"

-------------

Xander walked onto the front porch where Faith was smoking a cigarette. She was sitting on the banister staring down at her hand. Xander tried to follow her gaze but couldn't find anything out of the ordinary so he asked,

"What's so interesting about your hand?" He paused for a moment then added, "If it's something sexually perverted don't tell me… okay, even still, you can tell me."

"I don't know," she answered. "Hell you already think I'm a fucking psycho but it feels like something's wrong with it… different somehow."

"Somehow, like how?"

"I don't know," she shrugged. "Does it look weird to you?" she asked holding both of her hands up, palms down, for him to compare. 

"Which one?"

"That means no," she concluded. She began rubbing her left hand, "I'm really losing it."

"Well, what made you think there was something wrong with your hand? Initially…"

"I have no idea," she answered honestly. She fell quiet, thinking intensely about something that she had absolutely no idea what it was. "Fuck…" she muttered, frustrated. 

"FAITH!" Kennedy, Rhona, and Molly screamed from inside the house. 

"Fuck," Faith repeated as she jumped off the banister and headed towards the door. 

"Double fuck," Xander muttered humorously. 

"You wish," she answered as she grabbed the doorknob. "You locked the door?" He shook his head and she took a step back and then kicked the door open with a hard kick. It flew open, splintering into a few pieces. She ran towards the kitchen but Willow and Giles were already running down towards the basement where the girls were yelling from. 

"Faith!" Kennedy yelled again. 

"What's wrong? What's wrong?" Faith yelled back as she ran down the stairs. She stopped suddenly and the others running behind her practically ran into her. 

"Hi, Faith," Buffy greeted with a smile. It wasn't really Buffy, it was The First, but it looked like her down to each strand of blonde hair. 

"Get the hell out of here," Faith warned.

"Oh, don't worry. I was just here to tell all these girls how they're going to die following you into this battle. I mean, after all, you're practically still evil. How do you plan on fighting evil?"

"Get out."

"It's not Buffy," Kennedy added, trying to keep everyone thinking straight. Faith wasn't sure if she had said it just for her benefit since she was definitely shaking. 

"Well, Faith, you must really love these digs, huh? I mean, God, that probably made your day that all these girls just called your name to come save them, right? You're just loving this! I'm sure a part of you completely dug it when I was finally out of your way. After all, all you've ever wanted was to take my place. I was always the one that was just making you second best."

"Being second only to Buffy was definitely something to be proud of."

"But now you're number one. You're all these girl's first choice. You've got everything now, Faith. You've got the Watcher, the Scooby gang, and all these Potentials… it's a little wet dream all come true."

"Get the fuck out of here."

"Oh, and I can't forget your favorite part to all of this… you even get a complimentary beef stick to go along with the whole package. I've got to say though, I'm a little surprised you didn't go for Spike, you know, with your whole fetish with my boyfriends and all. But Xander, not bad… you know, except for the fact that he's with you just for the warm-up and then he goes and spends the night with the woman he really loves. But I guess you're used to that."

Faith couldn't help but look nervously around at the Potentials as they listened to the First spilling all of this. Kennedy looked almost as hurt as she felt. 

"You know, if I didn't know any better, I might start to think that you're running out of ideas," Faith finally answered. "I mean, is this all you've got left? You come in here and start chatting it up and trying to gossip with the girls? That's kind of lame, don't you think?" Buffy shrugged and answered,

"Maybe. Faith, have you told them about how you used to be back when you were on the winning side of this eternal battle? I mean, did you tell them how you went all bad and loved every exhilarating second of it? I don't think you're really over it yet either. Maybe you'll decide to switch around again – why not? You never were into keeping loyalties anyway… Or better yet," she glanced over at the Potentials, "maybe me being here's just a little show for the girls to make them think you're still on the good side. How's my acting?"

"Fuck off."

"Hey, get the fuck out of her body," Xander finally snapped. 

"Oh, I'm sorry Xander. I thought you'd like it… I bet you'd love to be in her nice, tight, warm body. See Faith, you're still just second on everybody's list, you always will be."

"You're really just giving me a headache now," Faith answered. "We've been in this fight for too long – all of these girls know to ignore you so your mind games are just a waste of time."

"Yeah, how are those headaches going? You know, I can see why you have them… look around. All of this," she motioned at the entire room with her arms, "takes a lot of extra work from that brain of yours. You're a sneaky one… you've got it working extra hard! Good for you…"

With that The First vanished. Faith looked around at all of the girls, worried. She looked over at Giles and Willow also, concerned that they'd be upset seeing Buffy like that. She didn't bother looking at Xander because she assumed he'd be the one able to hold it together. Like always – or at least she felt that way – she was wrong. He picked up a chair and threw it against the wall as hard as he could screaming as loud as he could. 

-----------------

"Hey," Faith said as she walked into her room. Xander continued to pace back and forth, ignoring her entrance. "Yo, you're making me dizzy, could you stop?"

"Why should I?" he asked. The rage in his tone intrigued her.

"For me," she answered softly, tilting her head to one side. He grabbed her arms and slammed her into the wall angrily,

"I don't do anything for you!"

"Yeah, except for the whole… you know, thing," she answered, proving she wasn't at all intimidated by him. He slammed her into the wall again,

"I hate you. You get that, right? Nothing I do is ever for you. You're the worthless tramp I fuck to relieve myself. You're the nothing that I use to forget how miserable my life is. I wish you were the one that died that night instead of…" he whispered angrily into her ear. She stayed there, unmoved. "And even after I said all of that, you still want me to fuck you. Right here, right now. Don't you? Well, you've got to say please…"

She swallowed the lump in her throat and somehow forced out a weak,

"Please."

On a normal day he took out his frustrations on her. Today it was different. Today he was taking out his rage and fury on her. He slammed into her with her up against the wall. He held her hair in a fist forcing her to hold her face to the side so she wouldn't look at him. There was only once before in her life when she had felt this way and she had never wanted to feel that way again. This wasn't just rough it was violent and she knew it. But for the same reason she had been with him for the past few weeks, she let him violate her. 

Pain surged through her body with every stroke and finally she couldn't keep the tears from escaping her eyes. She held them shut, begging silently for him to stop. She just listened to his heavy breath and constant mumbles,

"I hate you… I hate you…" as his hands held her hips in a merciless grip pounding in and out of her. 

He hated himself and he took it out on her. He hated her for not hating him. All he felt was hate. And anger. There was a burning pain running through him but he used it as fuel in his veins to continue. He entered her with the same force he would've used to punch somebody. He'd never done this with anyone and it shocked him that anyone would allow it. He knew he was hurting her and he didn't care. He didn't care about anything anymore. This was that feeling she was always talking about – that feeling of being disconnected from ever caring about anything. It was gone. Everything, especially himself, was miles away and all he had to think about was that perfect body he was ramming into. 

She was holding her breath now, praying that he'd finish. Suddenly a taste was in her mouth and she wondered why she was tasting blood. After a moment she realized she was biting her lip so hard that it was now bleeding. Her face was no longer touched by a few stray tears, now it was soaked as they poured unceasingly down her face. Each stroke was ten times more painful than the last. Finally she couldn't hold it in anymore and she pleaded,

"Baby, please stop." He didn't stop. He didn't hear her. He was miles from anywhere and she was barely a whispered made three countries away. "Xander, please… Xander, stop," she repeated, raising her hand to his hand that was holding her hair in a fist. He didn't hear her but her touch made him look up. He looked up into her face and saw her bleeding lip and her face soaked with tears. "Please stop," she repeated; he heard it for the first time. He flew back to reality and was surprised that he didn't gag on the spot. 

He pulled out of her immediately and frantically tried to touch her waist or shoulders or anything to try and calm her down. She blocked his hands from touching her waist holding her hands between them and then pushed them frantically, but weakly, away when he reached for her shoulders. He didn't know what to do. She was shaking in a way he'd never seen anyone shake before and he'd certainly never seen her like this and he knew it was his fault. He reached his hands up to her face trying to get her to stop crying,

"Why didn't you stop me? You could've stopped me! Why didn't you stop me!" He began to ask frantically. 

"I'm sorry… I just couldn't go anymore… I'm…" she tried to stammer out an apology, but not for not stopping him but for not being able to let him finish. She held her stomach in pain with her left arm as she tried to pull his hands away from her face with her other hand. 

He knew she didn't want him to touch her but he couldn't not touch her because he needed to get her to stop crying! He couldn't just let her cry because it was his fault and he couldn't not touch her face because all he wanted to do now was hold her but she wouldn't let him! What do I do? What do I do? He asked himself frantically.

He watched her try and rid her face of the pain she was in. Her breath was short and shallow and filled with agony. But what really killed him was the fact that she was trying to hide it. As his adrenaline slowed the true guilt began to sink in. She gave up trying to keep him from touching her face and faced her shoulder as she had been before. She tried to hold in everything – with every breath it looked like she was holding down a gag. 

Whether it was from the pain or from the memories ripping through her, she wasn't sure, but she knew she was close to blacking out. He saw the defeat in her eyes as the tears continued to flow and began asking frantically,

"Do you want to sit? I think you should lie down or something… Faith, listen to me."

"I can't… I don't want to anymore… Just stop…" she panted. He stepped back quickly, realizing that she wasn't even aware of what was going on anymore. He glanced down at her leg and saw a small stream of blood trickling down the inside of her thigh. 

"Oh my God," he said turning away from her. He saw a large towel tossed over one of the chairs and quickly grabbed it and brought it back to her. "H-e… Here," he finally managed to say. She took it without looking up at him and he helped her quickly wrapped it around herself. "Look at me?" he asked weakly.

"I really don't want to right now," she answered, unable to conceal the anger in her voice. 

"There's no excuse for what I just did… I want to say sorry but that doesn't seem like enough. Can I do anything? Please… please, I'll do anything. What do you need?"

"Just… go downstairs or something, okay?"

"You want me to just go?" he asked to be sure she wasn't just putting on an attitude. She nodded, pulling the towel around her tighter. "Please stop crying…"

"Sure," she answered. He ran his hand through his hair nervously trying to figure out what he could do. He realized all he could do at the moment was just leave. He pulled on his boxers and grabbed his clothes and quickly left the room. He stood on the other side of the door looking at the closed door. He felt his heart, soul, and body break in half when he heard a muffled scream followed by crying. 

As soon as he left the room, she pulled the towel up to her mouth and screamed with all the agony and rage she had inside of her as she slid down to the ground. She wished she were just angry but the way the scream was followed by sobs she knew that wasn't the case. She held herself in a hug sobbing into the towel, hoping no one would hear her. 

Xander wiped the tears from his eyes before turning away from the door. He almost jumped when he saw Kennedy standing in the hallway looking over at him. Seeing the tears in her eyes only made his reappear. Her face was filled with sadness and disgust and hatred towards him. Her eyes felt like they were burning holes right through him. He ran his fingers through his hair again nervously then went to the bathroom. He knew Kennedy hadn't heard what was going on because of her Slayer hearing; everyone in the house had probably been woken up by it. 

-----------------

"So what's the plan?" Rhona asked, pressing Faith for an answer. 

"What?" Faith asked blankly, glancing up quickly at the girls and then back down. 

"I think we should spar today," Kennedy interjected. "Everyone pair off." They nodded, realizing that Faith wasn't just not okay but they were definitely seeing her upset for the first time. They all began sparring in the backyard, leaving Kennedy and Faith on the back porch. 

"Are you okay?"

"Fine." Her voice was hoarse and broken making it obvious to someone who hadn't heard her crying all night that she had been crying. She pulled out her pack of cigarettes and Kennedy watched her closely. It took her about five times as long as it usually did to light the cigarette because of how unsteady her hand was. 

"Can we talk?"

"Yeah, what about?" Faith asked nonchalantly. 

"Faith, talk to me," she answered, practically begging. She had to bite her lip to hold in her emotions. She was quick to hide them but Faith caught it. She glanced up and saw the tears in the corners of her eyes.

"What are you all teary-eyed about?" she asked, trying to lighten the mood. Kennedy just looked down at her feet. "Hey, what's the matter?" Faith was trying desperately to pretend that she herself wasn't upset and she hated the fact that Kennedy seemed pretty up to date on her current events. 

"Are you okay?" she asked, tears evident in her tone this time. 

"Kid, I'm fine, okay?"

"You're lying…"

"Why would you say that?"

"You're eyes are all red like you've been crying… your throats all sore like you've been screaming… you're walking like…" a sob caught in her throat and she turned away, ashamed. She hated that Faith could sit there and pretend like nothing was wrong and she couldn't even get a full sentence out without crying. Faith rubbed the bridge of her nose with her finger as she held her cigarette, unsure of how to handle this. She had never gotten any talks like this so how the hell was she supposed to give one? Kennedy finally turned back around, her sadness converted to anger,

"How the hell can you just sit there like nothing's wrong? I just don't get it!"

"Kennedy, what do you want me to say?"

"I want you to say you won't do it again, but I know it would be a lie," she snapped. "If you want to let him hurt you like that, fine. I tried to get you to stop over a month ago and you almost fucking killed me! So you know what, fine, let him use you and hurt you, but don't fucking cry like you're not asking for it. Don't come down here and sit in front of all of these girls with your eyes all red and your lip all fucking swollen-"

"Kennedy, he doesn't hit me, if that's what you're thinking."

"I don't know what I'm thinking anymore."

"I would never let him hit me, Kennedy. That's not how it is… you know Xander. He would never hit any girl…"

"I never thought Xander would make someone cry the way he makes you cry."

"Kiddo, it's just sex," she said, trying to smile at her. 

"Great, so you get off on him doing those things to you… hell, you fucking tell him to do it!"

"Listen, everyone's got their own style, alright? Mine is a little rougher than most… last night got out of hand and we both know it, so it's cool. Okay?" Kennedy stared at her blankly. "I'm being straight with you…"

"Whatever." Kennedy stood up and headed for the door back into the house.

"Kennedy…"

"Your style, Faith? Is it part of your style that he's still with sleeping with Anya? Is that part of the whole Faith style?"

"This is the same shit B would pull. What the hell do you care what I do?"

"What do I care? I care because you don't make it a priority for you to care about yourself and you definitely don't make it a priority for any of the men you sleep with." With that she stormed back into the house slamming the door behind her. 

-----------

"Faith, what are you doing?" Giles asked, walking into the living room. Faith was sitting on the couch pulled into the fetal position watching TV. 

"What does it look like I'm doing?"

"Aren't you taking the girls out on patrol?"

"Does it look like I'm taking the girls out on patrol?"

"No, it doesn't," he answered angrily.

"See, Giles, you should really have more confidence in your observational skills, you'd have to ask a lot few dumb questions."

"Faith, in case you've forgotten, you're in the middle of a bloody war to save the world!"

"Yeah, slipped my mind," she answered sardonically. She continued to surf the channels and in his frustration he jumped forward and grabbed the remote from her hand. 

"There isn't going to be any blood television if you don't save the world, Faith."

"Are you on medication?"

"What?"

"'Cause if you are, you really need to up the dose a little bit." She sat up and grabbed the remote back from him but she regretted the quick movement. He caught her body's protest and asked,

"What did you do?"

"Giles, TV."

"Faith, what is the matter with you? Are you hurt? If you are you need to tell me and if you're not than you need to get up and go fight!"

"Giles, did I ever tell you the story of when I tortured my annoying British Watcher nearly to death?"

"This world is doomed!"

"Can you make me some hot cocoa?" she called after him as he stormed out of the room.

"Make it yourself, bloody Slayer. You know, I take no responsibility for her, for the record! I had nothing to do with her training…"

Xander walked in the front door and glanced over at the couch. He took a step towards her and stopped, unsure of what to do and past that, what to say. He could tell by the way she was breathing that she still didn't feel great. 

"Hey…" he waited for a response but didn't get one. "Aren't you supposed to take the girls patrolling?"

"Giles said he wanted to do it," she answered, keeping her gaze on the TV. 

-

A week passed and everything seemed to settle down at least a little bit. Kennedy was still angry and upset but she seemed to bring it down a peg or two. Xander tried to spark a few conversations, hoping to build up to the talk they were going to have to have, but the funny thing about conversations is that they involve the cooperation of two separate people. There in lied his problem. 

He sat downstairs in front of the TV for about an hour trying to work enough nerve up to just go talk to her. Her and the girls had gotten back from patrol about an hour ago and he'd been waiting for his body to grow a fucking sack so he could just go talk to her, but he was having no such luck. Finally he walked up to her room, knocking gently on the door. 

"Come in." He walked in and was soon greeted by her. 

"I was wondering when you were going to come see me again," she whispered in his ear. She kissed the side of his neck, then tugged down on his ear with her teeth. 

"No, Faith, I just wanted to talk to you."

"We can talk after," she lied.

"No," he answered firmly, "we need to talk now." 

"Trying to play a big boy now?" she teased meanly. "You think just 'cause you can make me cry, now you can tell me what to do?"

"Faith, please… I want to talk to you." 

"Fine, you talk… I'll listen," she answered as she kissed his neck. She placed long kisses in a line from one ear to the other then moved to his lips as she ran her hands under his shirt. 

"I don't want to do this anymore. It's not fair to you."

"But…" She was strangely shocked by what he had said. "But… but you can't… you can't leave me…" Her demeanor shifted completely and now she was the passive, pleading one. "You can do it like last time and I won't stop you, I swear… please… Xander, come on. Don't do this… at least give me a chance to make it up to you and then you'll want me, I promise."

"No," he answered, standing firmly. He knew this was wrong and whether she knew it or not, it was for the better. "It's done. Finished."

"You can't leave me!" she screamed, finally breaking into hysterics. "You can't! You can't! Don't fuck with me, Xander… I need you."

"No," he answered coldly. As much as he wanted to stay there and hold her and talk to her he knew there was no way that was going to happen until she was detached. He hadn't realized at first how attached she had gotten, but it clearly had to end now. He headed for the door and part of him expected her to try and stop him. He braced himself for a Slayer's grip or something but there was nothing. He just heard her slide open a drawer. 

"You're just going to fucking leave me! I won't let you leave me!" She pulled a knife out of the drawer. Xander turned at the noise and saw her with the knife. She placed it against her arm and as he ran towards her she pulled it across, making a deep laceration. 

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"I want to be with you… I need you…" she cried. She felt the cut on her arm and she saw him running towards her, but she only saw him as a blur. He reached her, grabbing the cut and holding it tightly with his hands. 

"Faith, look at me," he said, trying to maintain his panic. She looked up quickly at him, his voice different, but for some reason it fit. Angel crouched over her holding the wound tightly. "Buffy! Get me some towels, quick!"

"Buffy?" she murmured to herself. 

"Faith, look at me," Angel demanded again. She looked up at him, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Faith, he's gone. I know you miss him but this is not the way to deal with it. Do you hear me?"

"I want him back…"

"I know you do," Angel said, embracing her tightly as Buffy took over the wound. 

"I want him back so bad."

"Shhh…" he soothed, holding her tightly. 

"I think that'll be okay," Buffy said, securing the bandage tightly around her arm. 

"Okay," Angel agreed. He picked her up off of the floor and walked her over to the bed. He put her down gently but she continued to cry. 

"He loved me…" she remembered. She looked down at her left hand and saw the beautiful ring he'd given her so she would never forget that.

"He loved you very much," Kennedy agreed, walking from the doorway into the room with Willow. Willow put a glass of water down by the side of the bed for her, then sat on the windowsill with Kennedy. 

"I wish he didn't," she answered, still staring down at the ring. "I wish he was just like every other loser I was ever with, and then I wouldn't miss him. I wish he'd have just used me or lied to me or cheated or something! I wish he did something wrong so I wouldn't feel like this…

"But he loved me. He really loved me and he never used me or lied or cheated or anything… He never hurt me! He just was… he was perfect. Angel, I… need him… back," she said between sobs. "He wanted me. He's the only person who's ever wanted me and they took him away! Why did they take him away from me?"

"I know it hurts but…"

"Angel, they took him away from me when I was sleeping… I didn't even say goodbye. They didn't even let me say goodbye." 

Kennedy began sobbing inconsolably as Willow held her by the window. Kennedy couldn't stand to see Faith like this. There were people who truly loved each other and then there was Faith and Xander. They were just on a completely different playing field. Faith had never loved anyone and Xander had made her fall completely and totally in love with him. She loved him with everything she had and now that he was gone it was like she didn't have a chance to ask for any of that back before he left. 

Everyone was crying because of losing Xander, but seeing how distraught Faith was only compelled them to cry harder. As he held her, Angel felt his own tears streaking down his face. He, better than anyone else in this room, knew what she had gone through to get past all of the bad hands she had been dealt, and still, the powers just kept throwing her the fucking torture. Angel could feel it as he held her, she was broken. 

She fell asleep and Willow and Kennedy quietly went back to their rooms. Buffy and Angel sat by the window, wanting to spend the night watching her. They knew they had to keep an eye on her, but that night was too close a call. 

"We should've known to keep a closer watch on her tonight," Buffy said quietly. Angel nodded, disappointed in himself that he hadn't stopped her from hurting herself earlier and that he couldn't just make this all go away for her. "The first night after the funeral is always the hardest."

It's said that when one is put through a traumatic experience that they're incapable of dealing with, their mind will create an alternate reality for them that helps them to prepare and cope with their true reality. 


End file.
